Progress

Gelatin

A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfic By Andrew J. Talon

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan based parody. MLP:FiM is the property of Hasbro and Lauren Faust. Please support the official release.

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"So Pinkie Pie, what's the occasion?" Twilight Sparkle asked as the pink-colored mare cheerfully showed her friends into her home. It was done up, as usual, for a celebration in gaily colored ribbons and streamers and with the warm pink paint of the walls presented a cheerful atmosphere.

"Oh, it's a surprise! Just wait and see!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully. She bounced into the kitchen, leaving her friends to wait.

"What do you think it is? Gummy's New Girlfriend Party was last week," Twilight asked aloud.

"Ah don't think him gnawing on a rubber gator toy counts," Applejack said dryly.

“Love can take all different forms,” Fluttershy said softly. “A turtle near my house keeps giving flowers to a rock. Poor thing, she’s so lonely.”

“Maybe we can hook her up with Speedy! He’s the stallion-est turtle in all of Equestria!” Rainbow Dash said with a bright smile.

“Ahem?” Twilight cleared her throat to get everypony’s attention. “If we could focus?”

"I believe we’ll get our answer soon enough, Twilight,” Rarity said with a serene smile. “And the answer, whatever it is, will surely be..." Rarity trailed off for a moment as Pinkie Pie pushed her surprise into the room on a cart. Rarity's eyes then grew to a very large size and her jaw dropped.

"Surprise!" Pinkie Pie said with a grin as she hopped in front of the gigantic, multi-colored stack of fruit and candy covered gelatin. All of Pinkie Pie's friends backed away.

"Oh my goodness gracious, Pinkie Pie!" Fluttershy whispered, horrified. "Wh-What have you done?!"

"Th-That monstrosity! You can't be serious!" Rarity gasped, holding a hoof to her mouth.

"I think I'm going to be sick," moaned Twilight.

"By Celestia's fetlock clippin's, have you lost yer mind?!" Applejack cried.

"Was this the idea of that damn bucket of turnips?!" Rainbow Dash demanded angrily. "WAS IT?! WAS IT?!"

"Hm? What?" Pinkie Pie looked back at the gelatin construct, then back at her horrified friends. Her mouth then made an 'o' of understanding, and she giggled.

"Oh no! Silly willy fillies, where have you been? They don't need to make Jell-O from horse bones and hooves any more!"

"Then what is it made from?" Twilight demanded. Pinkie Pie produced the package. Twilight took it into her hooves and studied it.

"'Pony Safe... All natural ingredients, none of them from ponies,'" Twilight read. Rarity breathed a sigh of relief, as the rest of the ponies calmed down.

"Oh good! For a moment, I was worried..."

"All right girls! Let's dig in!" Pinkie Pie cheered, hoofing out spoons to them all. Twilight laughed and smiled.

"We're sorry for thinking you'd use... You know... Ponies in your Jell-O."

"Of course I wouldn't!" Pinkie Pie laughed as she pointed at the package. "Look on the back!"

Twilight Sparkle did.

"Hmmm... 'Made from 100% human?'"

"Bon appetite!" Pinkie Pie said with a wink, just before digging out a spoonful and popping it into her mouth. "Mmmm..." She grinned.

"Delicious~..."

- - - - - - -

Just a dark bit of fun to mock a recurring trope concerning glue I’ve seen in a few fics. No humans were harmed in the making of this story.

Except for Bob. Sorry Bob, that was my bad.

Progress Side Story:

Luna Vs the Threesome

A fanfiction of a My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic fanfiction by Friendly Uncle

My Little Pony, Princess Luna, Equestria, and all affiliated characters and concepts are the property of Hasbro, and their use in this fanfic is for the purpose of parody only and generates absolutely no profit for the author.

"Progress", Hoyden, Sundance, and Abacus are the inventions of Andrew Joshua Talon and used here at his express invitation and permission.

Threesomes are not copyrighted. As far as I know. ...are they? I guess they could be. Damnit, I should have looked that up...

The sun was just starting to rise and as far as the average pony was aware it was just another early morning down at the Filly Cakehouse in Canterlot. A few of the palace's night guards and servants were scattered about the quiet restaurant, steadily munching their way through the morning meal before they headed home for a good day's sleep.

Hoyden yawned a little as he trotted into the restaurant. He was a tall gray earth pony with a short and messy charcoal-colored mane and tail. His cutie mark resembled a skull over a crossed pair of crutches, which may or may not have explained the bandage on his muzzle. Pausing in the cakehouse’s doorway, he scanned its inhabitants until he caught sight of two mares sitting quietly in a corner booth.

They were an unusual pair, visually as distinct as night and day. Quite literally, in fact. The earth pony had an athletic build and jaw-dropping flanks with a soft white coat and a golden yellow mane and tail that were supposed to be curled but could be better described as “bushy.” Her cutie mark was a beaming sun with a smiley face on it. Her companion was tall and graceully slender with a velvety indigo coat, her mane and tail the silver-blue of clouds in moonlight. Her cutie mark was a white crescent moon set against a backdrop of dark cloud shapes that spread across her flanks like spilled ink.

She was also one of the only two alicorns in existence, pegasus wings folded against her sides while a fluted navy blue horn emerged from her forehead. But when she was wearing her glasses you weren't really aware of this. It wasn't as if you couldn't see that she was an alicorn. It wasn't that you didn't know perfectly well that she had to be Luna, Princess of the Moon. It was just that your brain wasn't allowed to make the connections when she was wearing the glasses, and you simply found yourself chatting quite amicably with Selene, Princess Luna's personal librarian, who was a perfectly ordinary pony in every way, and quite handy with an abacus.

Unless of course you already knew.

"Mornin' Luna," said Hoyden as he took a seat next to the white and yellow mare. Luna nodded distractedly in his general direction, chewing a sweet roll while her eyes remained glued to a book entitled Accounting Through History. Hoyden shrugged and turned to nuzzle the pony sitting next to him.

"And good morning to you too, sweet thing."

Sundance, Luna's personal hoofmaiden, and more recently roommate, grinned and leaned into her coltfriend's muzzle. Then paused to yawn uproariously.

"Long night?" asked Hoyden, chuckling.

"Mmmm, we had a little trouble when Celestia decided it was time to introduce Luna to a new appliance."

"But she already knows how to use most of them doesn't she?"

"Tonight we learned how to make smoothies."

"Now we blend them all together! The instructions say to blend for a few minutes on low but usually I find it's easier to just set it to 'annihilate' and blend for half a second."

"Oooh, that sounds fun."

"Just make sure to keep a hoof on the-"

BRRRRSPLATTT!

"...top to keep it in place. Sundance, could you fetch us some towels and a mop, please?"

"Yes ma'am."

"...oh."

Hoyden chuckled a little while Luna blushed and hid behind her book. Sundance stretched and stood up, edging around Hoyden to slip out of the booth.

"I went ahead and ordered you hot oats, they should be here in a minute. And if you two will excuse me I need to visit the little filly's room."

"Don't fall in!"

"That only happened once..."

Hoyden chuckled and leaned back in his seat. When he looked up he noticed Luna was looking at him, an unreadable expression on her face. Hoyden smiled at her in as nonthreatening a manner as he could manage.

"'Sup?"

"Um... Hoyden..." Luna began tapping her hooves together nervously, "I have a... query for you. Possibly of a personal nature."

"Yes it's all natural."

"What?"

"Huh?"

They stared at each other for a long moment. The waitress arrived with Hoyden's oats, a plate of waffles for Sundance, and another roll for Luna. Hoyden immediately added some more sauce and tucked in.

"What I meant to say is, I had something that I wanted to ask of you while Sundance isn't around, because she seemed to become rather upset the last time the subject was mentioned in her presence. And if what I am asking is far too personal for you to answer comfortably then by all means you are well within your rights to refuse to answer! But I am very curious and if you could provide me with the information then I would greatly appreciate it."

Hoyden swallowed a particularly large mouthful and shrugged.

"Well, you'll have to actually ask me the question before I can answer or not answer it."

"Oh yes!"

Luna leaned forward a little and spoke with what she seemed to think was a conspiratorial air.

"Hoyden, what exactly is a threesome?"

Hoyden paused in the act of taking another bite, eyes slowly widening in horror.

"Well you see your highness, a threesome is when three ponies all get together and rut all at the same time. So when I wished on a star that my marefriend would be into that, I was actually entreating the deity of the night to convince said marefriend to partake in group sexual activities with me and said night deity, i.e. you."

Luna rose from her seat, the booth and the table blown away by an explosion of dark magic as she floated into the air, eyes burning with evil light.

"Pervert! Villain! How dare you debase the goddess of the moon with such illicit and hot sexy fantasies!? You will be punished for this!"

"No!" Hoyden threw himself on the ground in front of Luna, holding his hooves up pleadingly. "I'm very sorry! I'll never do it again! Please don't send me to the moon!"

"Oh dear," said Luna, "you seem to have me confused with my sister. I don't send ponies to the moon."

"Really? Well that's-"

"I send them TO THE SUN!"

"AAAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!"

Luna blinked as Hoyden's pupils dilated and a small, pathetic, "Nooooo...!" escaped his mouth.

"Uh, like I said, you don't have to..."

Hoyden shook his head rapidly and straightened up.

"Argh. No, I should tell you, it's only fair. Though I've got to say, I'm a little surprised you don't know about this, it seems like the kind of thing ponies would have been doing even a thousand years ago."

Luna shrugged.

"I am probably familiar with the concept, just not sure about the precise meaning of the phrase as you're using it."

"Oh, well it's pretty simple. Uh. Basically a threesome is just when three ponies are... you know, together. At the same time. As opposed to just two."

Luna seemed to consider this for a moment. Hoyden braced himself, then thought better of it and quickly finished his oats, then braced himself again. If he was going to the sun, it was going to be on a full stomach.

"Oh," said Luna, "is that all?"

Hoyden gaped.

"That's not what I was expecting," Luna continued, "but I suppose it's perfectly understandable. I'm a bit flattered, really."

"...you are? I mean, well of course! It's a compliment."

"I'm actually more than a little surprised Sundance was so upset about it."

"Well, I think she was mostly upset about me wishing for it on a star," Hoyden said guiltily, "it's kind of a silly thing to wish for."

"Yes, I suppose so."

"Oh good, food's here!" said Sundance as she arrived back at the table, hopping over Hoyden to get back into her seat. Hoyden smiled, allowing himself to relax as the crisis appeared to have been averted. He took a long drink of water while Sundance turned to Luna.

"You two seem to have found something to talk about, too."

Luna nodded happily.

"Yes! I am enjoying our threesome! How about you?"

It was a textbook spittake. Hoyden's eyes widened, his cheeks bulged, the glass he was drinking from fell from nerveless hooves to bounce and roll off of the table, and he shot a stream of water like a firehose directly across the booth and into Luna's face. He began coughing while Luna stared at him in shock and confusion, Sundance staring at the both of them in unmitigated horror.

"What..." gasped Hoyden.

"What...!?" squeaked Luna.

"WHAT," said Sundance.

"Hold on," Hoyden managed, "I can explain...!"

"Why did you spit on me?" asked Luna, magically raising a napkin to mop off her face.

"You surprised me!"

"What did I say that was surprising? You said three ponies together was a threesome! There are three of us and we are together, so..."

Hoyden let his head hit the table.

"That's... not exactly what I meant..."

"Hoyden?" said Sundance in a voice as cold as a grave, "Sweetie? Why are you discussing threesomes with Princess Luna?"

"She asked!"

Sundance turned her baleful gaze on Luna, who whimpered slightly.

"I... I did ask..."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't know what it was! And I did not want to ask you because I was afraid you would be angry with me!"

"Why would you think I would-" Sundance paused, noted the two ponies backing away from her in terror, sighed, and forced herself to relax.

"I'm not angry. Hoyden, go get some napkins."

"Yes ma'am."

He trotted off. Luna sank down into her seat and stared at Sundance with wide, terrified eyes.

"I'm really not angry Luna, I promise. It's just... kind of a sore subject... you see..."

She waggled her hooves in the air in front of herself to try and help gather her thoughts. Luna sat back up, still dripping.

"I guess technically if three ponies are just doing something together you can call it a threesome, but... usually... and definitely when Hoyden is talking about it... it means the three ponies are doing something... sexual."

Luna's eyes widened. Her mouth opened and closed a few times, but she utterly failed to produce any intelligible sounds.

"... yeah."

"Hmph," said Hoyden, returning with a mouthful of napkins. Luna stared at him for a split second before her eyes slid over to Sundance, and then back to him. A blush rose on her cheeks and she quickly stuffed Abacus and her book back into her saddlebags.

"Well that was a lovely threesome I mean meal and now I think I will leave you two alone because I have to go clopIMEANGETSOMESLEEp and I will see you at sundown Sundance and then Iwillprobablyhidefromyouforseveraldays goodbye!"

She dropped a few bits on the table and rushed out. Hoyden blinked and spat out the napkins. Sundance heaved a sigh.

"Is it bad that the more scared she gets it just makes her more adorable?" she asked.

"... I refuse to comment on the grounds that it may incriminate me."

"Oh good, you're learning."

Through the shadows and gloom of the royal library a statuesque ninja crept towards her prey on silent hooves. The ninja's target was entirely oblivious to her presence, head bent over a sizable pile of books. She was taking copious notes, pausing occasionally to chew absentmindedly on the end of her quill, which was made from a large indigo feather. Every so often she suppressed a quiet giggle.

The ninja pounced.

"Dare I suspect that you are actually reading a book that is conventionally entertaining for once?" Princess Celestia whispered directly into her little sister's ear.

"EEEEEP!!!"

Celestia chuckled gleefully as Luna fell out of her chair and landed with a bump, accidentally firing off a brief blast of magical energy from her horn and destroying an innocent sconce in the process. Celestia conscientiously used her own magic to restore the shattered fixture before turning to Luna and helping her back up onto her hooves.

"All the books I read are entertaining," complained Luna. "It's not my fault most other ponies can't enjoy the subtle elegance of Equestrian tax law."

Celestia tried very hard not to show how much that statement worried her as she levitated one of Luna's books up to eye level for inspection.

"Yes, you truly enjoy the finer things in life Luna, but even you don't usually laugh while you're looking through old ledgers. What are you reading tonight? Did you take my advice and find something by Terry Prancechett? He's easily my favorite."

Luna let out a panicked cry and tried to leap up and bodily remove the book from Celestia's telekinetic grasp, flailing with her little hooves as her sister held the book out of her reach.

"No! No, nothing that interesting, in fact not very interesting at all! The book is very boring I was just laughing at a joke that Sundance told me earlier today in fact why don't I tell you about it while we go... away..."

Celestia raised a quizzical eyebrow as she rotated the book, revealing it to be Sexual Behavior in the Equestrian Female by Ardennes Kinsey. Luna sat down on the floor and looked away from her sister, blushing furiously. Celestia put the book down and bent to give her sister a neck hug, smiling gently.

"Different kind of research tonight, then?"

"It's not what it looks like!"

Celestia grinned. "So you're not reading a scholarly report to determine how the prevalent attitudes towards pony sexuality have evolved in the past millennium?"

"...well, yes, actually. That's exactly what I was doing."

"Good," said Celestia, playfully mussing her sister's mane. "I was wondering when you'd start showing interest in such things. It's a healthy thing to wonder about. Have your studies yielded any interesting findings?"

Luna smiled gratefully. Now she was on firmer ground. Celestia was a pony she felt comfortable talking to, and if she was going to treat the subject with the academic gravity that it deserved then Luna thought she could handle being a bit frank.

"It's really very fascinating," she said, returning to her seat and showing Celestia some of her reference material. "The concept of sexual morality seems to have looped on itself in the time that... in the time that I've been away. In the old days things seemed to be very relaxed and it was considered common to try different things and discuss the subject openly, but later when we began our reign the majority of ponies felt that mating was a subject rather too personal to talk about in public. The repression of sexual expression seems to have gotten even worse over the next several hundred years until just recently when the prevailing moral attitudes have become much more relaxed again."

"Yes," said Celestia, "history tends to form such cycles. It's been fascinating to watch, if a bit frustrating at times."

"I have to admit," said Luna, "I find some of these findings to be a bit difficult to believe. The statistics about ponies and... sheep... they can't possibly be accurate, can they?"

"I don't spend a lot of time around sheep," Celestia mused, "you might want to ask your friend Big Macintosh."

Luna blinked.

"Wha? But how would he know anything... about... No. No that's not true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!"

"... I just meant that he lived on a farm, my dear."

"... oh."

Celestia chuckled and ruffled Luna's mane again, before leaning down and whispering gently in her ear.

"Is he the reason you're doing all this research?"

Luna's face flushed and she looked away.

"N... not really..."

"Oh?" Celestia moved her head to Luna's other side to try and catch her eye. "Then who? Is it somepony I know?"

"... well... yes..."

Celestia blinked as Luna hunched up into a ball of pure misery. Frowning a little, she draped a foreleg comfortingly over Luna's withers.

"It's alright Luna, you can tell me. Who's the lucky Stallion? ...or...?"

"...it's complicated."

"...how complicated?" Celestia was really worried now.

"Well... you know my... friend, Sundance?"

"Oh yes," said Celestia, nodding, "a very nice young mare. ...oh. Oh I see. But isn't she... attached?"

"Sundance's coltfriend finds me rather attractive," Luna said as quietly as she could. Celestia's eyes narrowed.

"Luna, you're not..."

"He doesn't intend to be unfaithful to her!" Luna explained quickly, eyes suddenly wide in alarm. "In fact, he wants her to be a part of it! Er, I mean, if it were to happen. I don't think it's anything but idle speculation. Oh, but Sundance clearly feels so awkward about it..."

Celestia stared at her little sister in the manner that one might observe a particularly vexing crossword puzzle. When her eyes widened in understanding, Luna imagined she could see a bulb appearing above Celestia's head and lighting itself.

"He's suggested a menage a trois?"

Luna blinked at Celestia in utter bafflement.

"...sorry. That's Prench for 'threesome'."

"Oh!" Luna nodded. "Yes, yes that is exactly what he has proposed."

Celestia raised a hoof to her lips in bemusement.

"Well! That's a rather daring proposal! Is Sundance's coltfriend something of a risk taker?"

"From what I've gathered he frequently gets shot out of cannons for a living."

"I'll take that as a yes," Celestia chuckled, "Oh Luna, I wouldn't propose to tell you what to do in a situation like this. Group sex can be a complicated thing, particularly if two of the ponies involved are already a couple. There's jealousy to consider, and health concerns of course. ...although, if you do it right... well, wow, that's all I'm saying. You know what I mean? Wow."

Luna's eyes widened to the size of saucers. Celestia looked up at the ceiling for a moment, a slightly dreamy look on her face. Then she snapped out of it and smiled sheepishly at her sister, who was still staring at her.

"Look, we both know I've been around a long time. I've seen things. So what are you going to do, Luna?"

The night sister sighed miserably.

"I don't know. I didn't know before, but now it's starting to sound more and more like a bad idea. I don't want to hurt Sundance and Hoyden. ...but..."

Celestia smiled.

"I've never met Hoyden, but Sundance is rather cute."

"She is," said Luna softly, "but that's not really... the point is I'm comfortable with them, Celly. I like them. We have fun together. And there are awkward moments, and sometimes I'm afraid of them, but then I'm afraid of most anypony. If I was going to engage in any kind of... activity with another pony... then I think right now it would be one of them. But it couldn't be one of them, because they're together, but... if they both want me... and... I mean, I think Sundance finds me attractive, and I know Hoyden does. And it feels... nice."

"As I said sister, I wouldn't presume to tell you what to do with your own body."

Celestia gave her a neck hug and then rose back to her hooves.

"I only caution you to consider their feelings as much as your own."

Luna nodded.

"Absolutely."

"And use protection."

"...erm, alright..."

"And if that doesn't work, then name it after me!"

"... actually... I always thought that if I was going to have a foal... 'Abacus' seems to be a rather nice name, don't you think?"

Celestia stared at Luna for a long moment.

"Luna, forget everything I just told you and go grab a couple of my guards. We need to get you laid."

Sundance let out a deep sigh as she lay on the couch in the apartment she shared with Luna, snuggled between Hoyden’s hooves. Her coltfriend nuzzled her and patted her mane, running his hoof through her hair in long, gentle strokes. For roughly the sixth time that hour, he whispered softly in her ear.

“I’m sorry.”

Sundance rolled her eyes.

“I’m not mad at you, Hoyden.”

“...you lie.”

“Okay, I’m... irritated... about the situation in general.”

She paused to crane her neck around and plant a quick kiss on his chin.

“But I’ve been thinking, and you really didn’t try to make this a thing. You didn’t have any reason to think Luna would hear you when you made that wish... even though it was still a stupid thing to wish about... and you weren’t the one who brought it back up in the restaurant. You tried to keep your fantasies to yourself. And that’s all they are! Fantasies. I can’t blame you for having fantasies.”

Hoyden chewed his lip while he mentally digested this. Sundance pressed on.

“I mean, everypony has fantasies. I have fantasies.”

There was a long moment of silence before Sundance felt Hoyden’s lips whispering delicately against her ear again.

“Really?”

Sundance felt her face flush.

“Well of course I do! Remember the whipped cream?”

Hoyden’s eyes glazed over for a minute, but he snapped back to reality before he drooled in Sundance’s mane.

“No,” he muttered, “I mean, do you have fantasies about other ponies?”

Sundance’s blush intensified, and she rubbed her hooves together nervously.

“I... I might...”

“Who?”

“I thought the whole point of this conversation is that it’s a good thing that we don’t talk about this!?”

Sundance tried to get up, but Hoyden wrapped his forelegs firmly around her and pulled her back down onto the couch. She struggled halfheartedly as he began planting insistent kisses on her ear.

“Yeah,” he said in between pecks, “but look at where that got us. Maybe we should be more open about these sorts of things. Is it Thistle?”

“What!? Oh Celestia. No, not Thistle.”

“Big Mac then?”

Sundance sighed. “Everypony fantasizes about Big Mac.”

Hoyden considered this for a moment, then shrugged. That was true. Even he’d fantasized about Big Mac once or twice.

“It wasn’t so much a really involved fantasy as just... kind of wondering...”

“If he lives up to the name?”

“Kinda.”

“Oh Macintosh,” Sundance breathed, “I simply cannot contain my wild pony passion for you another second longer! Make love to me! Make me a mare!”

“Weeellll,” Macintosh drawled, shifting the stalk of hay between his teeth from one side of his mouth to the other, “ah reckon that’d be alright.”

The draft pony rose onto his hind legs and, despite his hooves, deftly unzipped the tight blue jeans he was wearing for no discernable reason. Sundance’s face lit up with anticipation. There was a soft thump as the pants hit the floor. And then a somewhat louder thump.

“... oh... woah.”

Sundance’s eyes grew wider and followed the progress of a quiet rolling noise that travelled across the floor and knocked over a nearby chair. Her jaw slowly fell open, aghast at the sight of what lay before her.

“Oh my... is that real?”

“Eyup.”

“I don’t... I don’t think I can OHMYGOSH it’s moving IT’S GOT ME HELP HELP! SOMEPONY HELP oh it’s so dexterous AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!”

“He does,” said Hoyden.

“Jibba wha!?”

“I’m not gonna say how I know, let’s just accept that I do and move on.”

Hoyden grabbed Sundance’s ear with his mouth and started nibbling on it gently. Her eyes widened.

“Who else?” he asked indistinctly.

“Buh?”

“Any fillies?”

Sundance stiffened, then smiled slyly.

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

“Is it Luna?”

Sundance stayed stiffened that time. She could hear the grin on Hoyden’s face as he continued to nuzzle her.

“It makes sense. She’s the princess of the moon after all. And I know you have a hard time getting up in the evening. Have you ever suggested showering together to save time?”

If it was possible for a pony’s blush to ignite combustible materials then Sundance’s couch would have been smouldering.

“...it was her idea.”

“Did you wash her flanks?”

“... actually... she um... she washed mine. Telekinetically. You know. With her telekinesis.”

“Imagine what else she can do with that.”

Sundance had. And so had Hoyden. In detail. They were both flushed now.

Sundance raised an eyebrow.

“Oh, you like thinking about that, eh?”

“What do you-”

Sundance jerked backwards in Hoyden’s embrace. His eyes widened. Sundance grinned slyly and rubbed against him a few more times, until she was rewarded with a quiet groan.

“... sorry.”

“How many times do I have to tell you...”

Sundance twisted suddenly in Hoyden’s grip and rolled over, landing on top of him. Her hooves landed on either side of his head and hips on the couch, and she leaned in until their muzzles were nearly touching. She glared at him for a brief instant before the expression was replaced with a devilish grin.

“I’m not angry.”

She sat down on top of him, gently, and Hoyden’s response was swallowed by a strained gasp. Sundance chuckled and looked around.

“We should probably go to my room, if Luna walks in on us again she’s going to-”

“OH MY GOSH SUNDANCE HIDE ME!”

“... freak out.”

Luna flew into the room and turned a tight circle, practically spinning in place as she looked for a place to hide.

“Oh Sundance you have to help! You just have to!”

Sundance was lying upright on the couch now, legs tucked underneath her. Hoyden was on the other side of the couch in a slightly more sprawled position, a throw pillow sitting in front of himself in what he hopped was a nonchalant fashion. Fortunately, Luna was in too much of a tizzy to notice that both ponies were still somewhat flushed and trying to hard not to look like they’d been interrupted in the middle of something.

“Well hello there Luna!” said Sundance far too cheerfully, “what seems to be the problem?”

“Celestia is trying to rape me.”

Pinkie Pie would have been impressed. Hoyden’s jaw actually hit the floor. Sundance’s eyes literally popped out of her head. Then popped back in. And then she rolled around on the ground in pain for a few minutes.

Hoyden hopped up and galloped over to Luna, putting his hooves on her shoulders.

“What!? How? Why! Is that even possible!? Did Celestia cast a spell on herself to turn her into a stallion?”

Luna’s eyes couldn’t actually get any wider by this point, but they did their best.

“What!? No, why would she do that? She’s my sister. That’s gross. No, she told me to fetch five or six of her guards, and then she was going to get them to run a train on me! I don’t like trains, Hoyden! I always worry that the car I’m riding in is going to get separated from the others and jump the tracks and I’ll wind up in another country!”

Hoyden’s jaw worked, but between the arousal, the sudden panic, the confusion, more panic, and then even more confusion, his brain decided to just give up and go play reruns of “Equestria’s Funniest Home Videos.” Sundance, having made sure her eyeballs were still where they were supposed to be, walked over and put a comforting hoof on Luna’s withers.

“Okay Luna, just breathe for a second, okay? Breathe.”

“O... okay...”

“Right. Now, I realize this may be reaching a little, but... was Celestia, just possibly, maybe, joking about this?”

Luna blinked.

“... she... she might have been, yes.”

Sundance heaved a sigh.

“... in fact, that is almost certainly what she was doing. And I am afraid that I have interrupted you two in the middle of...”

Luna looked down.

Sundance sucked in a breath.

Hoyden quickly fell back down on to all four hooves and turned around, grinning bashfully.

“Whoops! Heh, sorry about that. Forgot myself for a moment there.”

“Oh,” said Luna.

“We were, um, about to move to my bedroom,” said Sundance, shifting nervously.

“My goodness.”

“I don’t usually just walk around with it hanging out like that,” said Hoyden, “it just... uh... it’s just... um... it’s just that thisismygreatestfantasycometolife and it won’t... um...”

“I apologize,” said Luna, backing away, “it’s not your fault at all... I shouldn’t look... I just... haven’t seen one... up close before...”

Hoyden and Sundance looked at each other. Hoyden’s ears laid back over his skull. Sundance frowned for a moment, then gave her coltfriend a reassuring smile and slid her foreleg all the way over Luna’s back, jostling her. Luna blinked.

“Eep?”

“Would you like an even closer look?” said Sundance.

Hoyden gaped. Luna went still as a statue, slowly turning her head to look at Sundance, who was smiling gently.

“I know what it’s like to be nervous about this kind of thing, and... well, I guess I can see how you’d be even more nervous? So if you’d like us to show you how it works... I mean, in practice. I’m sure you’re familiar with the theory, but trust me, it’s not the same thing.”

Luna swallowed, looking Sundance intently in the eyes as if to determine if she was being gently wound up. Sundance just smiled reassuringly at her. Luna glanced at Hoyden, who was doing his best not to look positively gleeful.

“...well... I... I have to admit... I am curious... and...” Luna’s blush put Sundance’s and Hoyden’s to shame. “I really do think... if I was going to do anything... casually with another pony... or ponies... you two are the ones I would trust enough to do it with.”

Sundance grinned. Hoyden perked up.

“That is if it’s alright with you Hoyden.”

“Ofcourseit’salri- I mean yeah sure anything to help you feel better your highness.”

Sundance rolled her eyes, but she was still grinning. Luna took a few hesitant steps towards Hoyden, then balked, suddenly nervous.

“I don’t really know what to do.”

“That’s why I’m here,” said Sundance, gently pushing Luna down onto her knees. “Get over here Hoyden, let her get a good look...”

“Luna! Sundance! Good evening!”

The two mares startled as Princess Celestia cantered up behind them, grinning from ear to ear. She was in an obnoxiously good mood. Sundance smiled nervously up at the monarch, while Luna lowered her head towards the floor and tried to avoid her sister’s gaze.

“Good evening your majesty,” said Sundance, “how are you?”

“I’m quite well Sundance, thank you. How are... Luna, are you alright dear? What’s that on your head?”

Luna heaved a sigh and turned to meet her sister’s eyes.

“I’m fine Celly, thanks.”

For perhaps the first time since Sundance had met her, Celestia appeared flabbergasted.

“...Luna? Are you wearing an eyepatch?”

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” Luna said quickly. “Sundance and Hoyden and I were-”

“Cooking,” said Sundance.

“-yes! Cooking! We were preparing a meal! And I got something in my eye. Hoyden is... very messy! When he mixes things! And I got a glob of something in my eye and I’m afraid I panicked just a bit, and we went to the emergency room just to make sure everything was alright.”

“It’s just some irritation and a little swelling,” said Sundance.

“And a scratched cornea,” said Luna, “from where I tried to get it out. Did you know hooves aren’t very good for getting things out of your eye? They’re not.”

Celestia’s expression was entirely unreadable for a long moment. Sundance swallowed nervously. Luna smiled as brightly as she felt able.

“...well I suppose the important thing is that you’re alright,” said Celestia at last, slowly. Her eyes narrowed very briefly, and then she smiled again, trotting forward to wrap a wing around Luna.

“Sundance, you might tell your coltfriend that a true gentlepony warns a mare when there is a possibility of things getting in her eye. Or any place. You know, just a general warning if things are about to get messy.”

“Yes your majesty, I will certainly mention it.”

“Good. Now Luna, I know you weren’t very enthusiastic about my suggestion last night, but I’ve assembled four of my finest guards and I think you’ll agree that they’re quite something. Jeremy isn’t much to look at but he’s quite gentle and attentive, you might want to start with him. North is very athletic, but he has a hair trigger, enjoy the ride while it lasts. Siffredi, now, he’s attractive but not very big so you’ll probably...”

Luna cracked up, stopping Celestia with an upraised hoof and nearly falling off her other legs from giggling so hard.

“Oh Celly, that’s hysterical! Did you actually get a couple of guards to line up just for a joke? You did didn’t you? Oh dear I’d love to see the looks on their faces but I really do have quite a bit of work to do tonight, I hope you don’t mind.”

Celestia blinked.

“...joke? Uh, yes, the joke! The joke that I was joking about and that was not in any way serious. I’m glad you found it amusing, it’s always so pleasant to see you laugh.”

She reached down and gave Luna a brief nuzzle before nudging her off down the hall.

“Go on and get back to your books, I’ll see you in the morning.”

Luna smiled and gave her sister an answering nuzzle before setting off. Sundance stared up at Celestia as she watched her sister leave. The slightest of frowns twisted the monarch’s lips.

“Uh... your majesty...”

Celestia held up a hoof for silence. Sundance blinked. Once Luna had disappeared into the bowels of the castle, Celestia turned and opened a nearby door. She stuck her head inside.

“Sorry boys, looks like she really isn’t going for it. I’ll see you all on Friday, though.”

Four guardponies trooped out of the room, each one giving Celestia a crisp salute and a sly wink as they passed. Sundance managed to pull her jaw off the floor just as Celestia turned towards her, smiling. The maid’s eyes widened as she mentally corrected herself. The princess wasn’t just smiling, she was smiling.

“M-may I help you, your majesty?”

Princess Celestia suddenly flopped down onto her haunches next to Sundance, throwing a foreleg around the smaller mare’s body. Sundance stared straight ahead, unwilling to risk any movement whatsoever, though she couldn’t stop her heart from pounding violently in her chest. Celestia looked down at Sundance with a motherly expression, reaching over with her far hoof to gently straighten the maid’s mane.

“I want to thank you for everything you’ve done Sundance,” she said, ”I realize that my sister can be trying to live with sometimes, but I think in the long run you’re both going to be very good for each other. I know for a fact that she likes you very much.”

“Oh, I really should be thanking you for that,” Sundance said with a small, nervous smile, “Luna and I have had a wonderful time. She’s really a very good friend. I couldn’t ask for better.”

“It’s good to hear that,” said Celestia, hugging Sundance a little closer. “It’s so difficult for the two of us to make real friends. So many ponies are intimidated by us. Why, I’d venture so far to say that many ponies are outright afraid of me! Can you imagine that?”

Sundance’s smile was going to break her jaw.

“That’s ridiculous, your majesty!”

Celestia laughed.

“It is, isn’t it? Why, would you believe that just the other day I visited my student in Ponyville, and the entire town was practically rigid? Some ponies wouldn’t even eat because they were afraid of offending me with a lack of manners! And one of my student’s friends was worried that I was going to banish her because she tried to provide veterinary care for my pet phoenix! Banish her, and then put her in prison in the place where I’d banished her to! Why? Where do ponies get these ideas!?”

“Some ponies can be very silly, your majesty,” Sundance contributed.

“Yes,” mused Celestia, “I suppose they can.”

She paused then, eyeing Sundance a moment before bending her neck to speak closer to the maid’s ear.

“Of course, that’s not to say that I’m perfect, not by any means. I have my buttons, I’m not ashamed to admit it. I have lost my temper on occasions. Most of those buttons and occasions involve my sister, as I’m sure you can imagine.”

Sundance nodded slowly.

“I’m very worried about my sister, Sundance. She’s such a shy and gentle pony, and a great deal of that is my fault. I did what I had to do, for the sake of Equestria, but... that doesn’t change the fact that I hurt her very much.”

Sundance was about to reply when Celestia suddenly crouched low so that they were eye to eye.

“And I will not allow anypony else to hurt her.”

Sundance’s mouth was suddenly extremely dry.

“Of course, Luna is her own pony. She is going to have to go out into the world and find her own place in it again. She has to be allowed to make mistakes. Some of those mistakes are going to hurt. I can’t protect her from everything, as much as I’d like to. But if somepony were to cause my dear sister undue harm... or through inaction, allow her to come to harm... well, then I would probably become very upset.”

Sundance nodded wordlessly. Her tongue felt like it was glued to the roof of her mouth, and she wasn’t willing to try and talk with it.

“In fact... if something terrible did happen to hurt Luna... and if I found out that somepony had known that my sister was being hurt... and they didn’t tell me? Because they were afraid of me for whatever silly reason? And I found out after the fact that my precious sister was hurt because some silly pony had kept their mouth shut when they should not have?”

Sundance’s pupils contracted.

“... well, let’s just say... I am a very old pony. I’ve seen things. And banishment? Isn’t nearly creative enough.”

Sundance made a noise.

“I only mention any of this, Sundance, because my sister is a very selfless pony, and if some other pony hurt her... I’m afraid she would try to tell me it was just an accident.”

The hoofmaiden swallowed, and then looked Celestia firmly in the eyes.

“Nopony was trying to harm Luna, your majesty. What happened to her was entirely a mistake. We’ll be more careful in the future.”

Princess Celestia stared into Sundance’s eyes for a long moment, and then abruptly stood back up, a beatific smile once again plastered across her face.

“Well that’s comforting to know. You’d probably better get along now, I imagine Luna needs you... oh, wait, no, just one more moment please.”

Celestia closed her eyes for a second, and her horn took on a warm pink glow. With a soft “pop!” a plastic rectangle appeared in the air in front of her, which she proceeded to levitate to Sundance.

“Something for you and Luna. I think you’ll enjoy it.”

Sundance thanked Celestia as clearly as she was able with the object in her mouth, and then took off down the hallway about as quickly as she felt was polite. She thought she heard Celestia giggling behind her.

Luna was already deep in study when Sundance found her, but she glanced up and smiled as the hoofmaiden approached.

“Oh hello Sundance, I was just about to... oh, are you alright? You appear a bit frazzled.”

“Just fine!” said Sundance quickly as she dropped Celestia’s gift on the desk and nosed it towards Luna. “Had a bit of a chat with your sister. She says this is for you.”

“Ah! Well that’s kind of her, it looks like a DVD...”

“... ‘Buckaneers’?”

Luna and Sundance stared at the movie for a long moment.

“I’m going to get her for this,” muttered the princess of the moon.

“Well, at least we have something to watch for movie night. I’ll pick up some popcorn.”

Hoyden was still chuckling as the three of them settled down on Sundance’s couch to watch the movie.

“It’s not that funny,” said Luna, a touch irritably.

“It’s great,” said Hoyden, “Perfectly executed. I think Celestia and I would get along.”

“If she didn’t banish you and put you in prison in the place she banished you to for almost poking her little sister’s eye out,” said Sundance dryly.

“She wouldn’t do that! ...would she?”

“Oh, maybe not,” said Sundance, “I have it on good authority that when ponies mess with her sister she likes to get... creative.”

Luna blinked. Hoyden’s ears laid back and he turned back to the television, chuckling nervously.

“So uh... how about we watch that movie, eh? Buckaneers! Sounds like a good time.”

Sundance smirked and hit the “play” button on her remote control. Luna levitated three bowls of popcorn into the room.

“You know, I don’t remember this film being in any theatres,” Sundance commented as the opening credits rolled.

“Perhaps it was not filmed by a large studio?” suggested Luna.

“Looks pretty good for a small budget production,” said Hoyden around a mouthful of popcorn.

The movie followed a fairly standard plot. Heroic sailors, evil buckaneers, magical tack, and world domination. There were also a lot of mares in oddly saucy clothing.

“I’m the worst buckaneer hunter ever!” lamented the protagonist.

“That’s not true Captain Reinolds!” insisted his attractive first mate, “if anypony can find the evil Captain Stallionetti and stop him from using the Bridle of Ataljuapa to rule the world, it’s you!”

“None of the mares in this movie can act,” snorted Sundance.

“I agree,” said Luna, “they’re clearly trying, but it seems as though they were all chosen more for their shapely flanks than for their ability to emote.”

Hoyden was very quiet.

“Oh Jewels,” said Captain Reinolds, “if only all of my crewponies believed in me the way you do.”

“I can believe in you more than all of them combined! Let me... show you...”

Sundance’s eyebrows arched upwards. Luna’s mouth fell open.

“Woah,” said Hoyden.

“Is... is she... is she doing what I think she’s doing?” asked Sundance.

“It kind of looks like what I tried to do yesterday,” said Luna quietly, “except she’s better at it.”

“... Princess Celestia gave you fillies a porn flick,” said Hoyden, grinning from ear to ear.

Sundance facehoofed. Luna was just staring at the movie, a deep blush slowly flowing up her cheeks as the ponies on screen became more adventurous.

“... oh my,” gasped the princess, “I didn’t know you could put that there.”

“It takes practice,” said Hoyden.

“Why... why are we watching this?” asked Sundance, “we should just turn this off. In fact, that’s what I’m going... to... Hoyden, why don’t you ever do for me what that stallion’s doing to her?”

“... um... you never asked?”

“Goodness,” said Luna, “another pony’s joining in.”

The three of them leaned forward.

“That’s a prosthetic,” said Hoyden, “that’s not real. They don’t get that big.”

“Oh no, it’s going to get in her eyes!”

“No, look, she closed them. That’s what you’re supposed to do, close your eyes.”

“Well she got some warning...”

“I said I was sorry okay? With Sundance that was never a problem.”

“There comes another one.”

“At the same time...”

“Did you like the movie Luna?”

“I’m not talking to you!”

“So you didn’t like it? It’s one of my favorites. I watch it all the time, in fact...”

“.... AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

“Oh calm down, I’m not talking about that.”

“...oh.”

“That’s what my trashy romance novels are for.”

“AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

“I don’t care how much Astrogallop you bought,” said Sundance as she and Hoyden ascended the steps to her apartment. “I told you I’m not helping you act out the scene with the kraken.”

“I just want to get a little experimental,” said Hoyden, “no tentacles need be involved.”

“A threesome with Luna isn’t experimental enough for you?” Sundance asked archly.

Hoyden grimaced.

“Oh, yeah. I’m just... not sure that’s gonna happen now. She seemed a little freaked out after the last time. And she was really quiet when the movie was over.”

Sundance frowned a little as she opened the door.

“Yeah, she did seem really thoughtful. I guess after spending a thousand years on the moon with only your own hooves for company, finding out that some mares can handle four other ponies and an animatronic octopus at the same time can be a little mindblowing.”

“I know my mind was blown.”

“We could tell.”

Hoyden snorted as he and Sundance set their shopping bags down on the kitchen table.

“What I’m saying is,” he continued, “if Luna’s going to be bothered by this, I don’t want to do it. I didn’t want to do it if you were going to be bothered by it, and I don’t want to bother her.”

“Likewise,” said Sundance, giving Hoyden a warm nuzzle. “We’ll just give Luna her space and when she’s ready to tell us what she wants we’ll deal with it then.”

“Right,” Hoyden agreed.

“Sundance?” they heard Luna calling from another room, “is that you?”

“Yes!” she called back, “we just got home!”

“Oh!” There was a brief moment of silence, and then, “if it’s not too much trouble, could you and Hoyden come here please?”

The two earth ponies exchanged looks.

“Sure!”

They trotted into the living room and the upstairs to the upper landing. Sundance noted that the door to Luna’s room was ajar and stuck her head in.

“Luna? Are you in here? What did you... want... to...”

Hoyden blinked and joined Sundance in the door. Luna was lying on her bed, smiling nervously. She was wearing a loose shirt with a leather corset and a short calico skirt that accentuated her flanks. A felt tricorn hat was perched on her head, along with her eyepatch.

“Arr mateys,” she tried to growl, through it came out as more of a rough mewl, “Captain Luna be needin’ yer assistence! I has some... ah... treasure that needs some, um, long, hard burying.”

“...what is this I don’t even,” managed Hoyden.

Luna’s ears laid back.

“Oh dear, I was, er, trying to seduce you. I don’t think it worked.”

“... well that’s just about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen,” said Sundance. With no additional warning she hopped up onto the bed, straddled Luna, and planted a hard kiss on her lips.

Hoyden stared, utterly dumbfounded, as his fillyfriend made out with the goddess of the moon.

“Okay,” gasped a blushing Luna as Sundance finally let her have her tongue back, “apparently I succeeded after all!”

“Yes,” said Sundance, “you have succeeded. Hoyden get over here. And... what... is poking me?”

Luna demurely lifted her skirt to show Sundance what she was wearing underneath it.

“That’s my peg,” she explained.

“... Hoyden! Get the Astrogallop! And then get over here!”

Hoyden cheered.

“And then they all fucked!”

Twilight Sparkle gaped at her magenta friend’s outburst.

“Pinkie Pie! Watch your language! What on earth are you talking about!?”

“The buckaneers in the movie I watched yesterday Twilight! They all had a big party! Except it was a little different from the parties I usually have, because my parties don’t usually involve a giant octopus. Hmmm, note to self: Acquire giant octopus.”

Twilight sighed and facehoofed.

“Pinkie, where did you get a movie about buckaneers... mating with each other and giant octopuses?”

“Spike let me borrow it! Princess Celestia sent it to you and it had a note saying you should watch it with all of your friends! But Gummy really likes buckaneers so I borrowed it so he could watch it and while he was watching it I was watching it so I sort of saw it before everypony else but that’s okay because now I can tell you all what happens!”

Twilight gaped.

“Princess Celestia sent me a porno?”

“Uh huh! She said it did wonders for Luna. Darned if I know what that means.”

“... what.”

Princess Celestia smiled as Luna arrived at the palace library. The moon princess looked tired, but she was grinning hugely, and there was a distinct spring in her step. Celestia passed her a large mug of coffee, which Luna drained in one swig.

“Enjoy your night off?” asked Celestia.

“Very much so!” said Luna, nodding happily. ”It was quite an eye opener.”

“Well, one eye at least.”

Luna gave Celestia a look, but seemed too happy to be really annoyed.

“I’ve given Sundance a week off with pay, by the way.”

Celestia blinked.

“What? Whatever for?”

“She... uh... over exerted herself,” said Luna, rubbing her hooves together, “helping me out. She needs time to recover. And maybe get into a little better shape. For the next time. The next time she helps me.”

Her sister smiled slyly, putting a foreleg around her sister’s withers.

“Well I’m glad to hear you’re taking care of each other. And I’m proud of you Luna. You’ve opened yourself up to new experiences. And this time you’ve done it without an abacus.”

Luna beamed up at her sister, then quite suddenly her jaw fell open and she went visibly pale underneath her fur.

“... oh... oh no...”

“Luna? Luna what’s wrong?”

“Abacus! He, he was in the room! I didn’t put him in the closet or under a pillow or, or anything! He saw us! He saw everything!”

Celestia facehoofed.

“... Sundance?”

“Yeah Hoyden?”

“How you feeling?”

“Happy. Sore, but happy. You?”

“Happy. ...and maybe a little sore.”

“... I still can’t move my hind legs.”

“Me neither.”

“I’ll crawl over to the fridge and get us some more ice.”

-The End

I’m so sorry.