The First Part
To censored first part
No story really needs a stanza at the top.
It’s either bragging how fast you fill up paper,
or just to help look fuckin’ crazy.
Rainbow woke up slowly and painfully. She was lying on a white bed, surrounded by white walls. The door matched, and it was locked. The walls were set in buttoned padding. She was panicking, but she wasn’t moving; a cold, waking sweat beaded up on her pale Caucasian forehead, the only color remaining on her whole body in her meticulously dyed hair.
This was still fucking real. Every fucking time she woke up now it seemed so fucking real. All the fucking people here told her it was real, like they knew better than her.
She slowly bent forward and clutched at her bangs, her knees scrunching up to her.
But it’s not really real.
-
She was soon slouching in front of a doctor, her seat directly across from his. She was in her daily session, the whole environment enclosing her colored warm. Her doctor wore a very calming smirk-like smile, like he really did know better and he was trying to break it to her.
“You are not a pony.”
Rainbow didn’t respond to him.
“You are not a pegasus.”
Rainbow’s gaze was cast down, her arms folded firmly over her breasts.
“You are not a combination of the two.”
She barely heard anything. Her doctor, Zui, raised a pen from his sheet to his cheek and leaned his head barely on it.
“This is just the first step. We can take all the time you want on it, but we have to get past it,” he said.
Rainbow’s hair slipped onto her face again, and she carefully put it back over her ear. She breathed in sharply and said, “There aren’t any steps for me to get past.”
Doctor Zui said, “The first step is admitting you have a problem.”
“I do. With you.”
Rainbow slumped further into the leather cushion. Doctor Zui maintained his composure, but pursed his lips and moved his pen over them. A moment of silence passed as the doctor glanced past the window at a beautiful artificial waterfall waiting just outside. Rainbow kept her small, narrow eyes square on her folded arms.
Doctor Zui looked back at her and said, “We can remain bored for this whole hour, or we can talk about something. We can talk about how you dislike me, if you want.”
Rainbow looked up at him without tilting her head. “You’re a dick.”
“There,” Doctor Zui declared, leaning forward in his seat and pointing his pen at her. “That’s what you’re feeling right now. Keep going.”
Rainbow’s gaze was steadfast on him now. She didn’t know if he was taunting her or not, but all she wanted to tell him was exactly what to shove up his ass.
“Maybe I seem obnoxious?” the doctor asked. “Obviously, everyone involved in your recovery will agitate you for a while. I understand your state of mind.”
Rainbow quickly pulled herself back up in her chair. “Of course you understand me. You’re a part of my head.”
The doctor studied her expression a moment further, then frowned and leaned back. He glanced down at his sheet and rolled his pen over part of it.
Rainbow sank back into the leather. Doctor Zui sighed and tutted, “The first step is admitting you have a problem, Delilah.”
“Stop it,” Rainbow said.
Her doctor raised the pen to his lips again. “We can’t stop it.”
“I told you that’s not my name.”
Her doctor resumed his odd smile and started tapping the pen. “If you can’t even remember when you came here, you’ll have to trust that I might know a little more about you than you think.”
“No,” Rainbow said. She remembered so much more. She didn’t just have the memories in her head; she was still experiencing them, but the longer she stayed awake each day, the more they distanced from her.
Her gaze narrowed on the doctor and her teeth tightened. Maybe they were all taunts. Maybe she could shove something up his ass for him.
-
She was in a corridor now. She had been moved again, a hazy memory between now and her session. The walls, too, were simply blank. And they went on for so long.
When other people passed her, they were just as intent on themselves as Rainbow was on studying them. They were all fucking little... sickos. They all had something wrong with them. The last man to pass her was drooling out from his mouth, letting it dribble down his white gown.
And all of them were fake. Wronger than anyone she’d ever seen, but she couldn’t put a finger on how. She was calmer than some time before, but she couldn’t think much straighter. Dreams didn’t happen like this.
They’re like... no, shit, now I remember. They’re not ponies.
She turned toward the drooling man as he stumbled further away and thought, Or at least they don’t look like ponies.
Rainbow turned back and walked again. The hall soon ended as she reached an activities room, more brightly lit, and more white people surrounding her at a distance. They all looked like they were trying to amuse themselves, but little in the room was worth being amused by.
But one of them was talking, using a voice Rainbow was familiar with. The woman with that voice was chatting with someone unimportant, a man that couldn’t keep a gaze on the same thing for three seconds. The woman’s skin was a dark shade of brown, unlike the dull pallet of Rainbow and everyone else she had seen.
Rainbow marched straight to the lady, in one move clutching her shoulder and forcing the lady to see her. Rainbow spoke clearly and carefully to her, “Do you still remember who you are?”
The woman looked more timid than Rainbow thought she should, but that made sense. She was probably having trouble fitting into the environment, just like any of Rainbow’s friends would. She had larger eyes than Rainbow’s, and they were opened wide.
She said, “Yes, I do, but I don’t know who you are.”
That voice. Rainbow had never heard anyone else with that voice before. The woman spoke in a drawl, not fully pronouncing some of her syllables.
Rainbow grabbed the lady’s other shoulder and tightened her grip. “You’re Applejack. You’re a pony, just like I am. I know we don’t always get along, but we’ve got to keep trying to get back to Ponyville. Now we can do it together.”
The whole time, the woman was trying to loosen Rainbow’s grip and squirm away. She must have been here much longer than Rainbow to be this forgone with the doctors’ brainwashing or whatever the fuck it was they were doing.
“You’ve got to let go of me,” the woman said. Her voice now was almost just a squeak.
But Rainbow didn’t. “I won’t let go,” she said. “I’m not letting you go. They can’t take this away from me.”
The lady shrank back in Rainbow’s hands as they tightened further, but now she was looking over Rainbow’s shoulder. Rainbow could hear someone coming up behind her, but she didn’t listen. She kept looking ahead, tightening everything, and when another hand grabbed her shoulder she didn’t care.
A needle was jabbed into her arm, more painful than it should have felt, but in another second Rainbow couldn’t feel where it had punctured her. The numbing spread and an automatic panic welled up within her, but she still didn’t resist. She didn’t loosen her hands voluntarily from the lady in front of her, but they came away anyway. Rainbow’s whole body slumped into the arms of the person behind her, and the last conscious ability she had was to keep her eyes open.
They shut.
-
Home again.
Tomorrow, actually, was a very special day for Rainbow Dash. Of course, she didn’t put that much importance in it. That was up to Pinkie Pie, who was already planning everything to do with it before Dash had even remembered it in the first place.
Pinkie loved birthdays.
Ponyville may not have been any more abuzz about it than anything else, but half the ponies living there had already been invited. Dash didn’t care that much. Today was a gorgeous day, too. No clouds to alter, no snow to melt, only one or two competitions to involve herself with...
Summer. The perfect time for her to sleep in.
“She looks pretty asleep up there to me. I told you she wouldn’t be up yet.”
Dash stirred from her cloud bed. She really hoped this wasn’t going where she thought it was.
“Oh, yeah, but maybe she’ll be up soon. Look, she’s rolling over. Aw, she must not be sleeping well!”
And now she couldn’t really get comfortable again. But she would in just a few quiet minutes.
“Maybe, or she’s just dreaming right now. I can easily imagine you moving around like that when you dream, Pinkie.”
“Nope! I sleep like a rock.”
“Well, that’s... kind of surprising, actually.”
“It’s the first time it’s ever come up with anypony. It’s not that surprising, is it?”
Dash pushed herself up. Glowering down over her cloud at Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle, the two of them loitering underneath, Dash groaned, “I’m only, like, twenty hooves away from you guys. I can hear you just fine.”
She flitted her wings and hopped down from the clouds. Twilight smiled at her and said, “Wow, you look like you’re still asleep.”
Dash yawned in reply. Pinkie ignored her friend’s state of consciousness and frowned at her.
“Dashie, it’s a disaster! I was planning everything for your party tomorrow and telling Twilight all about it, and suddenly it hit me, pow,” she said as she smacked one hoof to the other, “I already threw a cloud-themed birthday party for someone else this year, and since you’re a pegasus pony, that would have been the perfect kind of party to throw you, but I don’t want you to feel like I’m throwing you the same party as someone else, so now I need your help!”
Dash stretched her wings and sighed. “Pinkie, I don’t mind. Whatever you’ve been planning--”
“Oh my gosh, I care!” Pinkie cried. “I just can’t do that to one of my friends! But I’ve already got it figured out.”
Twilight nodded sagely and raised a hoof to signal her addition. “And since Pinkie is going to be spending the day with you, I thought I would take the chance to share this special girls-time experience with you.”
Dash distorted her face a little as she said, “I think you left out part of the explanation there. Since when is Pinkie hanging out with me today?”
“Since we’re doing the next best thing to partying, of course!” Pinkie said. Her frown had turned upside down as she wrapped up. “Oh, and eating sweets. Shopping!”
Dash’s face returned to normal. “Pinkie, I don’t have anything to shop for.”
“Yes, you do! I need you to help me pick what kind of theme you want now, so I need all new streamers, balloons, banners, and frosting!”
It was Pinkie’s usual impervious attitude. Dash studied her friend’s face for a moment and thought she might not be able to get out of these plans. “Whatever you think is cool is fine with me, Pinkie. I’m sure my party will be as awesome as ever.”
Twilight’s whole expression dropped. She levitated a veritably long-ass list in front of her nose and said, “But... I already helped Pinkie organize where we should go.”
Pinkie’s grin remained the same. Dash kept looking between the two ponies in front of her and gave up.
“Okay...”
“Joy!” Twilight squealed. She and Pinkie clapped their hooves together.
Dash yawned again, this one longer than before, but she didn’t feel tired. She stretched her back and flexed her wings just to get the kinks out of her joints as Twilight and Pinkie finished giggling to each other.
Pinkie jumped up and down, ready to start off, saying, “Okay, I’m going on ahead! I’ll see you girls there!”
She sprang off, leaving the other two friends behind. Twilight turned back toward Dash, and her expression dimmed considerably.
“Uh... if you really aren’t feeling up to it, I’m sure Pinkie and I can make do on our own.”
“Huh?” Dash asked, stretching her legs now. “Nah, I do this every morning. I feel fine.”
Twilight took a moment before responding, studying Dash for a moment. Dash stood back up and looked back at her. “What’s wrong?”
Twilight smiled genuinely again. “Oh, I guess it’s nothing. You still look kind of sleepy.”
-
The first store in line for the day was the paper shop. A few wallpapers were on display in its front window, set beside the many bundles of wrapping paper and decorative tissue that dominated the set. The only other thing there was Pinkie’s face planted on the window.
Twilight trotted up behind her with Dash in tow. Pinkie pulled herself away from the display and ho-hummed to her nearing friends, “I usually just get whatever feels right, but I’m not used to planning all of the colors and decorations with someone else.”
She actually sighed, lamenting, “Maybe I should have asked Rarity for help after all.”
Twilight raised one of her hooves in protest, insisting, “No, no, no, Pinkie, don’t worry about that. I’m sure I’ve studied just as much color coordination as Rarity, and she’s probably busy with a ton of orders anyway.”
Rainbow, kicking her hooves in the dust behind them, glanced between Pinkie’s hard-lined face and the growing anxiousness of Twilight’s. It was kind of funny before she realized Twilight was acting serious.
Pinkie rubbed her chin and hummed it over for a second.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Rarity never comes to my pre-parties, anyway,” she said. “Even if Dashie needs all the help she can get!”
“You won’t regret this!” Twilight cried, grabbing Pinkie’s hoof and clutching it close to her body.
Dash scowled. She flipped her wings twice and said, “What do you mean, all the help I can get?”
Twilight calmed down, cleared her throat, and smiled again. She turned back toward Dash and explained, “She means that we’ll pick everything out, and you just have to approve it. Just leave it all to us.”
Dash knew when she was being doubted. Still scuffing the dirt, but not paying attention to it anymore, she scrunched her eyes down further. She would have protested more, but she noticed out of the corner of her eye Applejack coming down the road toward her.
Twilight and Pinkie didn’t seem to notice Applejack, and they went back to the storefront window. Dash took a couple of steps away as her other friend approached, and said, “Man, you have no idea how glad I am to see you, A.J.”
Applejack chuckled a bit, trotting up near the whole group. “Uh, all right. Howdy, Twi; hey, Pinkie.”
The other two girls vaguely waved at her, quickly returning their full attention to the window.
“Oh hi,” Pinkie mentioned.
Applejack paid no mind and looked back to Dash. “Listen, Rainbow, I’ve got that produce that I talked about yesterday all ready to go today, if you’re still up for a little workout.”
She smiled wider and continued quieter, “The help I got earlier isn’t quite as helpful as I thought she might be, so yours would be extra appreciated.”
Dash grinned and stretched her wings. She said, “I don’t think a few carts will--”
Pinkie shoved her nose away from the store window and interrupted, “Not today she can’t!”
“She already promised to help us make sure her party is as perfect as any of Pinkie’s events,” Twilight said.
Pinkie and Twilight both looked straight at Dash before they turned their attention back on Applejack. Dash thought back a little while, her sweat starting to lower, and said, “Well, I didn’t really--”
“That’s nice, but I’m sure you can get along just fine without her today. See, Rainbow already promised to help me move some apple carts so we can start selling the apples,” Applejack said.
Pinkie also refused to budge. “Birthdays are just as important!”
Applejack took a step forward. “Sorry, sugarcube, but they’re not as important as livelihood.”
Twilight stepped between the two feuding ponies, pushing them apart from each other. “Come on, girls, we can work this out without getting personal!”
She smiled and then turned to Applejack. “Although Rainbow Dash really needs to stay with us right now.”
“Now hold on there,” Applejack said, “It’s no fair if you go ganging up on me! Rainbow here made a prior commitment to me.”
Dash’s grin noticeably diminished, but she held as pleasant a tone as she could. “Actually, I did tell Applejack I’d probably be able to help her out. I wasn’t thinking about it this morning when I told Pinkie and Twilight I’d help them.”
Even as she spoke, she could sense the aggression from all three ponies now facing her. Dash gingerly backed up toward the main road, followed closely by the other ponies, each ready to say something harsher than was best for all of them.
But Pinkie, instead, glanced up all of the sudden and said, “Oh gosh, I hope those don’t--”
A large collection of apples bombarded Dash’s skull in a loud series of thunks. The three ponies remained motionless for a second, fourth body fully covered by fresh produce, then looked up.
An alarmed but sweet voice called down to them, an empty apple cart hooked onto the back of the voice’s originator, “Oh, my goodness.”
-
Rainbow woke up quickly and painfully. Her head had a twinge that felt like it had just ended throbbing. She felt on her side the warm, white bedding she usually found wrapped up all over her whenever she woke now. Her hair was splayed all over her face, and she was in the fetal position. She didn’t feel alive; she felt dead.
They used to call this room her special place. They used to bind her here, but she didn’t physically resist them anymore. She felt like she shouldn’t have had these memories, but she remembered that they happened.
She barely moved. Her eyes remained open, moving even less. Her mind raced and she struggled to calm it.
She noticed her door was open. She wasn’t sure if it had just opened or not. A man in plain white scrubs was standing there in the frame, looking down at her with a gaze she thought was still blank.
“I have your pills.”
Rainbow pulled the sheets closer to her face.
“Don’t forget, your new procedures are starting today. Based on your previous cooperation, we’ll have to take larger steps now.”
Only Rainbow’s eyes were still visible from all the dark white bundled around her. “I don’t need them.”
“You do. And you need your medicine.”
“Go the fuck away.”
The man stood still, his hand still on the doorknob. Rainbow actually peered up at him. His blank expression had changed to something lesser.
“Well. That’s why you haven’t made any friends here.”[a][b][c][d][e]
[f]
[g]
The First Part
To uncensored first part
Rainbow woke up slowly and painfully. She was lying on a white bed, surrounded by white walls. The door matched, and it was locked. The walls were set in buttoned padding. She was panicking, but she wasn’t moving; a cold, waking sweat beaded up on her pale Caucasian forehead, the only color remaining on her whole body in her meticulously dyed hair.
This was still real. Every time she woke up now it seemed so real. All the people here told her it was real, like they knew better than her.
She slowly bent forward and clutched at her bangs, her knees scrunching up to her.
But it’s not really real.
-
She was soon slouching in front of a doctor, her seat directly across from him. She was in her daily session, the whole environment enclosing her colored warm. Her doctor wore a very calming smirk-like smile, like he really did know better and he was trying to break it to her.
“You are not a pony.”
Rainbow didn’t respond to him.
“You are not a pegasus.”
Rainbow’s gaze was cast down, her arms folded firmly over her breasts.
“You are not a combination of the two.”
She barely heard anything. Her doctor, Zui, raised a pen from his sheet to his cheek and leaned his head barely on it.
“This is just the first step. We can take all the time you want on it, but we have to get past it,” he said.
Rainbow’s hair slipped onto her face again, and she carefully put it back over her ear. She breathed in sharply and said, “There aren’t any steps for me to get past.”
Doctor Zui said, “The first step is admitting you have a problem.”
“I do. With you.”
Rainbow slumped further into the leather cushion. Doctor Zui maintained his composure, but pursed his lips and moved his pen over them. A moment of silence passed as the doctor glanced past the window at a beautiful artificial waterfall waiting just outside. Rainbow kept her small, narrow eyes square on her folded arms.
Doctor Zui looked back at her and said, “We can remain bored for this whole hour, or we can talk about something. We can talk about how you dislike me, if you want.”
Rainbow looked up at him without tilting her head. “You’re a jerk.”
“There,” Doctor Zui declared, leaning forward in his seat and pointing his pen at her. “That’s what you’re feeling right now. Keep going.”
Rainbow’s gaze was steadfast on him now. She didn’t know if he was taunting her or not, but all she wanted to tell him was exactly what to shove up his other end.
“Maybe I seem obnoxious?” the doctor asked. “Obviously, everyone involved in your recovery will agitate you for a while. I understand your state of mind.”
Rainbow quickly pulled herself back up in her chair. “Of course you understand me. You’re a part of my head.”
The doctor studied her expression a moment further, then frowned and leaned back. He glanced down at his sheet and rolled his pen over part of it.
Rainbow sank back into the leather. Doctor Zui sighed and tutted, “The first step is admitting you have a problem, Delilah.”
“Stop it,” Rainbow said.
Her doctor raised the pen to his lips again. “We can’t stop it.”
“I told you that’s not my name.”
Her doctor resumed his odd smile and started tapping the pen. “If you can’t even remember when you came here, you’ll have to trust that I might know a little more about you than you think.”
“No,” Rainbow said. She remembered so much more. She didn’t just have the memories in her head; she was still experiencing them, but the longer she stayed awake each day, the more they distanced from her.
Her gaze narrowed on the doctor and her teeth tightened. Maybe they were all taunts. Maybe she could shove something up his other end for him.
-
She was in a corridor now. She had been moved again, a hazy memory between now and her session. The walls, too, were simply blank. And they went on for so long.
When other people passed her, they were just as intent on themselves as Rainbow was on studying them. They were all disgusting little... sickos. They all had something wrong with them. The last man to pass her was drooling out from his mouth, letting it dribble down his white gown.
And all of them were fake. Wronger than anyone she’d ever seen, but she couldn’t put a finger on how. She was calmer than some time before, but she couldn’t think much straighter. Dreams didn’t happen like this.
They’re like... no, now I remember. They’re not ponies.
She turned toward the drooling man as he stumbled further away and thought, Or at least they don’t look like ponies.
Rainbow turned back and walked again. The hall soon ended as she reached an activities room, more brightly lit, and more white people surrounding her at a distance. They all looked like they were trying to amuse themselves, but little in the room was worth being amused by.
But one of them was talking, using a voice Rainbow was familiar with. The woman with that voice was chatting with someone unimportant, a man that couldn’t keep a gaze on the same thing for three seconds. The woman’s skin was a dark shade of brown, unlike the dull pallet of Rainbow and everyone else she had seen.
Rainbow marched straight to the lady, in one move clutching her shoulder and forcing the lady to see her. Rainbow spoke clearly and carefully to her, “Do you still remember who you are?”
The woman looked more timid than Rainbow thought she should, but that made sense. She was probably having trouble fitting into the environment, just like any of Rainbow’s friends would. The woman had larger eyes than Rainbow’s, and they were opened wide.
She said, “Yes, I do, but I don’t know who you are.”
That voice. Rainbow had never heard anyone else with that voice before. The woman spoke in a drawl, not fully pronouncing some of her syllables.
Rainbow grabbed the lady’s other shoulder and tightened her grip. “You’re Applejack. You’re a pony, just like I am. I know we don’t always get along, but we’ve got to keep trying to get back to Ponyville. Now we can do it together.”
The whole time, the woman was trying to loosen Rainbow’s grip and squirm away. She must have been here much longer than Rainbow to be this forgone with the doctors’ brainwashing or whatever it was they were doing.
“You’ve got to let go of me,” the woman said. Her voice now was almost just a squeak.
But Rainbow didn’t. “I won’t let go,” she said. “I’m not letting you go. They can’t take this away from me.”
The lady shrank back in Rainbow’s hands as they tightened further, but now she was looking over Rainbow’s shoulder. Rainbow could hear someone coming up behind her, but she didn’t listen. She kept looking ahead, and tightening everything, and when another hand grabbed her shoulder she didn’t care.
A needle was jabbed into her arm, more painful than it should have felt, but in another second Rainbow couldn’t feel where it had punctured her. The numbing spread and an automatic panic welled up within her, but she still didn’t resist. She didn’t loosen her hands voluntarily from the lady in front of her, but they came away anyway. Rainbow’s whole body slumped into the arms of the person behind her, and the last conscious ability she had was to keep her eyes open.
They shut.
-
Home again.
Tomorrow, actually, was a very special day for Rainbow Dash. Of course, she didn’t put that much importance in it. That was up to Pinkie Pie, who was already planning everything to do with it before Dash had even remembered it in the first place.
Pinkie loved birthdays.
Ponyville may not have been any more abuzz about it than anything else, but half the ponies living there had already been invited. Dash didn’t care that much. Today was a gorgeous day, too. No clouds to alter, no snow to melt, only one or two competitions to involve herself with...
Summer. The perfect time for her to sleep in.
“She looks pretty asleep up there to me. I told you she wouldn’t be up yet.”
Dash stirred from her cloud bed. She really hoped this wasn’t going where she thought it was.
“Oh, yeah, but maybe she’ll be up soon. Look, she’s rolling over. Aw, she must not be sleeping well!”
And now she couldn’t really get comfortable again. But she would in just a few quiet minutes.
“Maybe, or she’s just dreaming right now. I can easily imagine you moving around like that when you dream, Pinkie.”
“Nope! I sleep like a rock.”
“Well, that’s... kind of surprising, actually.”
“It’s the first time it’s ever come up with anypony. It’s not that surprising, is it?”
Dash pushed herself up. Glowering down over her cloud at Pinkie Pie and Twilight Sparkle, the two of them loitering underneath, Dash groaned, “I’m only, like, twenty hooves away from you guys. I can hear you just fine.”
She flitted her wings and hopped down from the clouds. Twilight smiled at her and said, “Wow, you look like you’re still asleep.”
Dash yawned in reply. Pinkie ignored her friend’s state of consciousness and frowned at her.
“Dashie, it’s a disaster! I was planning everything for your party tomorrow and telling Twilight all about it, and suddenly it hit me, pow,” she said as she smacked one hoof to the other, “I already threw a cloud-themed birthday party for someone else this year, and since you’re a pegasus pony, that would have been the perfect kind of party to throw you, but I don’t want you to feel like I’m throwing you the same party as someone else, so now I need your help!”
Dash stretched her wings and sighed. “Pinkie, I don’t mind. Whatever you’ve been planning--”
“Oh my gosh, I care!” Pinkie cried. “I just can’t do that to one of my friends! But I’ve already got it figured out.”
Twilight nodded sagely and raised a hoof to signal her addition. “And since Pinkie is going to be spending the day with you, I thought I would take the chance to share this special girls-time experience with you.”
Dash distorted her face a little as she said, “I think you left out part of the explanation there. Since when is Pinkie hanging out with me today?”
“Since we’re doing the next best thing to partying, of course!” Pinkie said. Her frown had turned upside down as she wrapped up. “Oh, and eating sweets. Shopping!”
Dash’s face returned to normal. “Pinkie, I don’t have anything to shop for.”
“Yes, you do! I need you to help me pick what kind of theme you want now, so I need all new streamers, balloons, banners, and frosting!”
It was Pinkie’s usual impervious attitude. Dash studied her friend’s face for a moment and thought she might not be able to get out of these plans. “Whatever you think is cool is fine with me, Pinkie. I’m sure my party will be as awesome as ever.”
Twilight’s whole expression dropped. She levitated a lengthy list in front of her nose and said, “But... I already helped Pinkie organize where we should go.”
Pinkie’s grin remained the same. Dash kept looking between the two ponies in front of her and gave up.
“Okay...”
“Joy!” Twilight squealed. She and Pinkie clapped their hooves together.
Dash yawned again, this one longer than before, but she didn’t feel tired. She stretched her back and flexed her wings just to get the kinks out of her joints as Twilight and Pinkie finished giggling to each other.
Pinkie jumped up and down, ready to start off, saying, “Okay, I’m going on ahead! I’ll see you girls there!”
She sprang off, leaving the other two friends behind. Twilight turned back toward Dash, and her expression dimmed considerably.
“Uh... if you really aren’t feeling up to it, I’m sure Pinkie and I can make do on our own.”
“Huh?” Dash asked, stretching her legs now. “Nah, I do this every morning. I feel fine.”
Twilight took a moment before responding, studying Dash for a moment. Dash stood back up and looked back at her. “What’s wrong?”
Twilight smiled genuinely again. “Oh, I guess it’s nothing. You still look kind of sleepy.”
-
The first store in line for the day was the paper shop. A few wallpapers were on display in its front window, set beside the many bundles of wrapping paper and decorative tissue that dominated the set. The only other thing there was Pinkie’s face planted on the window.
Twilight trotted up behind her with Dash in tow. Pinkie pulled herself away from the display and ho-hummed to her nearing friends, “I usually just get whatever feels right, but I’m not used to planning all of the colors and decorations with someone else.”
She actually sighed, lamenting, “Maybe I should have asked Rarity for help after all.”
Twilight raised one of her hooves in protest, insisting, “No, no, no, Pinkie, don’t worry about that. I’m sure I’ve studied just as much color coordination as Rarity, and she’s probably busy with a ton of orders anyway.”
Rainbow, kicking her hooves in the dust behind them, glanced between Pinkie’s hard-lined face and the growing anxiousness of Twilight’s. It was kind of funny before she realized Twilight was acting serious.
Pinkie rubbed her chin and hummed it over for a second.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Rarity never comes to my pre-parties, anyway,” she said. “Even if Dashie needs all the help she can get!”
“You won’t regret this!” Twilight cried, grabbing Pinkie’s hoof and clutching it close to her body.
Dash scowled. She flipped her wings twice and said, “What do you mean, all the help I can get?”
Twilight calmed down, cleared her throat, and smiled again. She turned back toward Dash and explained, “She means that we’ll pick everything out, and you just have to approve it. Just leave it all to us.”
Dash knew when she was being doubted. Still scuffing the dirt, but not paying attention to it anymore, she scrunched her eyes down further. She would have protested more, but she noticed out of the corner of her eye Applejack coming down the road toward her.
Twilight and Pinkie didn’t seem to notice Applejack, and they went back to the storefront window. Dash took a couple of steps away as her other friend approached, and said, “Man, you have no idea how glad I am to see you, A.J.”
Applejack chuckled a bit, trotting up near the whole group. “Uh, all right. Howdy, Twi; hey, Pinkie.”
The other two girls vaguely waved at her, quickly returning their full attention to the window.
“Oh hi,” Pinkie mentioned.
Applejack paid no mind and looked back to Dash. “Listen, Rainbow, I’ve got that produce that I talked about yesterday all ready to go today, if you’re still up for a little workout.”
She smiled wider and continued quieter, “The help I got earlier isn’t quite as helpful as I thought she might be, so yours would be extra appreciated.”
Dash grinned and stretched her wings. She said, “I don’t think a few carts will--”
Pinkie shoved her nose away from the store window and interrupted, “Not today she can’t!”
“She already promised to help us make sure her party is as perfect as any of Pinkie’s events,” Twilight said.
Pinkie and Twilight both looked straight at Dash before they turned their attention back on Applejack. Dash thought back a little while, her sweat starting to lower, and said, “Well, I didn’t really--”
“That’s nice, but I’m sure you can get along just fine without her today. See, Rainbow already promised to help me move some apple carts so we can start selling the apples,” Applejack said.
Pinkie also refused to budge. “Birthdays are just as important!”
Applejack took a step forward. “Sorry, sugarcube, but they’re not as important as livelihood.”
Twilight stepped between the two feuding ponies, pushing them apart from each other. “Come on, girls, we can work this out without getting personal!”
She smiled and then turned to Applejack. “Although Rainbow Dash really needs to stay with us right now.”
“Now hold on there,” Applejack said, “It’s no fair if you go ganging up on me! Rainbow here made a prior commitment to me.”
Dash’s grin noticeably diminished, but she held as pleasant a tone as she could. “Actually, I did tell Applejack I’d probably be able to help her out. I wasn’t thinking about it this morning when I told Pinkie and Twilight I’d help them.”
Even as she spoke, she could sense the aggression from all three ponies now facing her. Dash gingerly backed up toward the main road, followed closely by the other ponies, each ready to say something harsher than was best for all of them.
But Pinkie, instead, glanced up all of the sudden and said, “Oh gosh, I hope those don’t--”
A large collection of apples bombarded Dash’s skull in a loud series of thunks. The three ponies remained motionless for a second, fourth body fully covered by fresh produce, then looked up.
An alarmed but sweet voice called down to them, an empty apple cart hooked onto the back of the voice’s originator, “Oh, my goodness.”
-
Rainbow woke up quickly and painfully. Her head had a twinge that felt like it had just ended throbbing. She felt on her side the warm, white bedding she usually found wrapped up all over her whenever she woke now. Her hair was splayed all over her face, and she was in the fetal position. She didn’t feel alive; she felt dead.
They used to call this room her special place. They used to bind her here, but she didn’t physically resist them anymore. She felt like she shouldn’t have had these memories, but she remembered that they happened.
She barely moved. Her eyes remained open, moving even less. Her mind raced and she struggled to calm it.
She noticed her door was open. She wasn’t sure if it had just opened or not. A man in plain white scrubs was standing there in the frame, looking down at her with a gaze she thought was still blank.
“I have your pills.”
Rainbow pulled the sheets closer to her face.
“Don’t forget, your new procedures are starting today. Based on your previous cooperation, we’ll have to take larger steps now.”
Only Rainbow’s eyes were still visible from all the dark white bundled around her. “I don’t need them.”
“You do. And you need your medicine.”
“Go away.”
The man stood still, his hand still on the doorknob. Rainbow actually peered up at him. His blank expression had changed to something lesser.
“Well. That’s why you haven’t made any friends here.”
The Second Part
To censored second part
Dash’s eyes opened slowly and with a sting. She could feel she was lying on something hard but fairly warm. She grasped her head with one hoof and thought to push herself up with the other, but didn’t bother.
A single shadow filled over her. Dash looked straight up and found Fluttershy sitting directly over her, face squared into guilt and pain as she looked down at Dash.
“Rainbow Dash, oh, you have no idea how sorry I am for dropping all those apples on you,” Fluttershy said. “It was so careless of me. I really hope you can forgive me.”
Dash’s full attention still wasn’t on her. In a slight daze, she glanced around and found she was in Fluttershy’s cottage. Sort of. After a moment, all Dash could find to say was, “What?”
Every wall was a wildly different color; streamers and balloons covered half of them. Now that she was starting to think straighter, she could smell heavy cinnamon baking elsewhere.
Pinkie jumped into Dash’s line of sight and said, “Surprise! Me and Twilight set up a bunch of different party stuff for you to choose from while you were conked out!”
Fluttershy tilted her head away, blushing, and muttered something that still sounded apologetic.
Dash finally shoved herself up and looked around at the different colored walls of Fluttershy’s cottage. Twilight was over in one of the corners, adjusting some more decorations. Dash said, “So, these are all your ideas?”
“They sure are!” Pinkie said.
Dash shrugged a little, head still in pain, and said, “Well, I guess the blue stuff looks kind of cool.”
“No, not blue, that one’s too obvious,” Twilight said.
Dash glanced over at her and raised an eyebrow. “Okay... how about all the different colors on the other wall?”
Twilight looked over her shoulder again and sighed, “Come on, Rainbow, that’s even worse than just blue; it’s the first thing everypony will expect to see. There won’t be any surprise if you pick that.”
Dash rolled her eyes. “Twilight, if you want to pick one yourself, go for it.”
“No!” Twilight said, turning around fully.
“It won’t exactly be your party if we do all the choosing for you, silly!” Pinkie giggled.
“You throw every other party in Ponyville by yourself, Pinkie,” Dash said.
Now Pinkie rolled her eyes, chuckling, “Yeah, but obviously I’m not doing that this time, so it’s okay!”
“Fine,” Dash said, eyeing Twilight in particular, “just go with the green.”
“No, no... I think you’ve got to go a little more avant-garde, like maybe this great monochrome arrangement--”
Dash groaned in disgust. Twilight stopped, taken aback, and reconsidered her approach a moment. “Well, that’s all right, it’s not like you have to choose this one. Pinkie and I set up plenty of combinations, too.”
“I dunno, Twilight,” Pinkie said, frowning unenthusiastically. “If Rainbow Dash likes one, I think that’s all that’s important.”
Twilight put a hoof to her chin as she thought. Dash sighed mostly in relief and continued clutching her head. But Applejack, having politely stayed out of the way through the discussion, scooted up to Dash and asked, “So, now that that kerfluffle’s been finished, you feel like you’re at your tip-top again?”
“No!” Dash said, startling everypony. Dash looked around at all of them, brow positively furrowed, and continued, “My head hurts, my wings are starting to hurt, and I’m tired. I’m not feeling up to hauling apples, and whatever Twilight and Pinkie actually want to go with is fine by me!”
Everypony took a moment to react, apparently stunned, and started to look ashamed of themselves. Twilight idled her front hoof over the floor and was probably about to speak, but Dash spoke up quicker, voice starting to break:
“Well, now my head really hurts...”
She collapsed to the floor again.
-
Rainbow’s eyes opened slowly, and a terrible, shining light met them straight on. It moved from one to the other, then back again, before it was finally pulled back.
She saw the outlines of a doctor standing over her, the small amount of color in the room quickly re-entering her eyes. It was Doctor Zui who was holding the flashlight, another sheet under his arm.
“You wouldn’t wake up for some time,” he explained.
Rainbow didn’t reply. She closed her eyes again and grimaced.
“We were quite concerned.”
Doctor Zui flipped off the light and set it on an end table. He raised his sheet and said, “But nothing seems to be wrong physically. You’re still scheduled to begin your new treatment tonight, but for now you can stay here and rejuvenate.”
Go away for fucksake, just get out of here.
The doctor smiled again. Mercifully, he turned and left with it. Rainbow unclenched her teeth.
She pushed herself up so she could sit, leaning back against the bedpost and closing her eyes. She still felt tired, but her mind raced again. All she knew was that there wasn’t a point in trying to escape.
Someone touched her wrist. Perturbed, she glanced to her side and met the stare of a man in the bed next to hers, reaching for her attention.
Rainbow gave no pleasantry, but he grinned sheepishly. He kept opening his mouth before he actually spoke, finally saying, “Hey, uh, hey, I haven’t seen you in here before, because, uh, I’m here a lot because of problems with my body, and the doctors have to, kind of, keep checking on them. The problems. You kind of, you sort of look nervous. But it’s not so bad here, in here, I mean.”
He watched as her face remained low and tight, but his smile remained, and he kept trying to say something before getting it out.
“My name is Salang, I mean, I’m Salang. You can call me that. What’s yours, uh, your name?”
Rainbow looked straight into his eyes, the way she only did with her doctor, and said, “It is so bad here. It’s a prison, and I’m not a criminal.”
Salang chuckled, partly coughing, but the chuckle might not have been any response. “No, it’s not a prison, because they’re kind of, the doctors are here to help us, so all of us, um, so we can all go home better, eventually, when they say we’re normal again.”
“They don’t get that say over me,” Rainbow said, looking back at the end of her bed.
“But it’s not so bad,” Salang said, “well, not being normal. That means you’re special, and I kind of, I like being special. I bet you’re special, too.”
Rainbow didn’t reply. Like Salang was trying to tell her she should even fucking be here.
“But it’s not so bad, I mean,” Salang continued. “I bet I could, I can be your friend from now on, and talk to you when you’re nervous, like you’re kind of nervous now.”
“Fuck you,” he got in response. “Fuck you! Fuck off! There’s not a person here who can help me unless they stop fucking around my head and let me out of here!”
Salang stopped smiling. Rainbow, breathing uncontrolled, kept staring at him as she tried to calm down.
“Just... fuck.”
Salang’s eyes were wide, his mouth not bobbing but hanging open limply. He took a moment, but slowly leaned off his elbow from propping him up and lay flat on his bed again. Rainbow watched.
She looked to the rest of the room, finding nothing and no one else to focus on. She, too, lay back down. She forced her eyes shut and cursed every name she could think of under her breath, getting no more rest.
-
“Still having trouble adapting, I hear.”
Rainbow was back in the leather chair.
Doctor Zui sat across from her, this time with his legs crossed. He wasn’t smiling this time. He said, “I don’t often do this, as it usually hampers psychological progression, but I’d like to discuss your dreams.”
Rainbow smirked. “You’ll really let me?”
He nodded barely and hovered his pen over his sheet. “For the entire session. I want to picture them just as vividly as you do. As you seem to know them.”
Rainbow shifted in her seat; she suddenly couldn’t get comfortable in it. There was a short silence. Low and thoughtfully, she said, “They’re always... chiding me. The good way. Like they want what’s best for me, and they’ll help me get above my problems without dragging me down.”
“And what do they do?”
“They do a lot. One’s a farmer, kind of. She works on an apple orchard. There’s the fashion expert; she even designed a dress for me one time. One is pretty crazy, but fun to be around--”
The doctor’s gaze sharpened. “Delia, what are their names?”
Rainbow stopped dead in her line of thought. “What did you call me?”
Doctor Zui leaned forward quickly. “What are their names?”
Rainbow stared wide-eyed at him for a moment, then turned down to her lap at her idle hands. “Well, there’s... the smart one, who can get annoying sometimes--”
“You know them very well, but you don’t know what to call them?”
“I know their names!” Rainbow said, biting forward at air. “I don’t know why I can’t remember, but I know them.”
Doctor Zui kept his gaze close on her. Dismissingly, he leaned back and jotted something new on his sheet. “Interesting. This seems to indicate these dreams stem from your subconscious mind, rather than your conscious one.”
“They’re not dreams!”
“It means they’re genuine problems you have to work out. Maybe they’re related to your poor real memories.”
Rainbow didn’t respond, but she was trembling now.
Doctor Zui tilted his head at her, studying her again. He said, “Tell me what you’re thinking.”
Rainbow suddenly stood up, fists bundled at her sides, and stared down at the doctor. His face darkened, but he didn’t move. “Sit back down, Dana[a][b].”
She snarled and snapped forward, nearly leaping at him. He raised his arms to defend himself, but she knocked straight through them to strike his face. She tackled him and his chair over, tumbling out of it and onto the floor as she struck him again.
Security had already entered the room and were headed to the fray. Rainbow locked gazes with the doctor, pinned under her knees, ignoring all the emotion in his dark, bastard eyes except for whatever she fucking hated. She pulled up her arm again as she screamed, “They’re--not--”
Security had reached her, and she kept punching as fast as she could, pulling her arms away from the security as quickly as they could restrain them.
“--dreams, you bastard!”
She was crying as they eventually pulled her up off the doctor. She kept trying to swing, her arms wide over her head, but security held her back tightly.
The doctor, as Rainbow still looked down upon him, stood back up easily despite his grisly new image. Rainbow’s eyes widened and her mouth creased outward in great, mixed fear. The doctor’s face was scarred: blood dribbled out of his mouth, poured off the sudden, deep cuts in his cheeks and jaw.
The surely half-dead Doctor Zui still wore an amicable face. The smugness in it had turned to something like pity. He smiled again.
“That was still progress. It’s not acceptable behavior, you be sure of, but I’m glad to see you’re willing to react to me now.”
Rainbow swallowed down a sob, still looking upon the unholy damage she had willingly done, but she couldn’t stop her crying. The doctor sighed at her, wiping off his eyebrows as the blood on his chin dripped onto his clean, white jacket.
He glanced sideward at the security and said, “I know it’s a little early, but go ahead and give her the two hours in the cooling room, and stay just outside until she’s done.”
-
Just cold.
Not fucking cold, just cold, regular cold.
She couldn’t move. She was sitting, arms clutched around her knees, her ass probably frozen to the floor. But they really had managed to do something for her. She wasn’t angry anymore. She was terrified.
She was having trouble concentrating. They had stuck her in a small, circular room chilled to something subzero, it felt like. Therapy. It was designed to restrict movement and therefore promote self-reflection.
She had made a mistake, letting the doctor provoke her like that. She thought about just pretending to agree with him so he’d let her go, but she’d still be trapped here. She had to convince him.
She knew their names. She did. Someone must have taken them from her head.
But what if now she was being delusional? She had figured out something was wrong here, but these creatures she kept seeing, the ones like the doctor, what Rainbow looked like, weren’t real. They didn’t even look real.
Slowly, trying to move quicker than she did, she removed one of her arms from around her knees and flexed her fingers, relaxing them. She started moving her thumb opposite the rest.
“Don’t worry, Rainbow Dash, there’s proof here that it’s not real,” her hand motioned as she breathed the words out to herself.
She realized that was a little crazy. No harm in fucking with herself a little. She could almost chuckle now.
She looked back to the door. It looked just as cold as everything else, and she couldn’t quite tell what color it was. She had to focus on something. Anything. All she had to keep going back to was the blood, the ungodly amount she had let pour.
She lowered her gaze and her mouth twitched.
“Twilight Sparkle,” she mumbled numbly. “Pinkie Pie... Fluttershy... Rarity...”
Her expression froze further than the rest of her body. “Applejack.”
It was right there in her head. It was her birthday tomorrow. She would be--all of them, together, they would--
There was nothing else. She didn’t know. She didn’t remember.
Rainbow looked up to the ceiling, the same vague shade as the door. Despite the shivering, her mouth trembled.
She cried.
Oh, fuck, they can’t be right.
She hid her head behind her knees again, soon sobbing for no reason she could think of. She didn’t know how much time passed after that.
The door eventually banged open. The guards grabbed her arms and pulled her back out of the room, putting no blanket over her as they lifted her body up high enough for only a little of her to drag over the floor.
Nothing happened for her. Soon she was laid back down in her normal room, not moving herself from the floor for minutes.
Tears misting over on her cheeks, she finally looked back to her bed. The pillow was still flattened from previous use, the sheets shoved on their side.
She moved herself now, dragging herself over and climbing onto the bed. She pulled the blanket over her lower half and laid her head on the pillow. Now she would escape, the one way no one could stop her.
The blanket was warm, and her head comfortable again. More comfortable than anyone could ever feel, despite the remaining sting in her cheeks and ears.
Rainbow felt herself drifting to sleep. The state she was slipping into was almost ethereal in how clear she suddenly felt, and yet had too little consciousness to understand.
Sleep finally did overtake her.
-
-
-
Nothing.
It was morning again. She felt only sheets around her, barely warm anymore.
She didn’t dare open her eyes. There was no way she could. She just moved her left limb to feel the right, and as a cold sweat beaded up on her forehead, she felt hands, fingers, hair.
She did dare open her eyes. Slowly, frightened, she peeked at her body: not a pony’s.
She did nothing but stare for a minute. The next, she ripped off her blanket to see the rest of herself, a clothed woman with two arms and two legs, those same legs which she used to walk everywhere now.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. She was supposed to be back with her friends now. Her hands rose to her head as she panicked, figuring out what to do, whether now maybe she should just run for it, but no, it wouldn’t work.
Yes, it fucking will.
She jumped up, tripping and toppling out of bed as she did. She struggled back up and ran to the door, heart pounding, but slowed down suddenly. She stopped right at the door, palms rested high on it. She realized something with worse horror than before.
Her pupils dilated, and the panic turned to a numb feeling. The thought stopped racing through her brain, but settled right at the front of it.
What are their names?
Her hands slid off the door, and she slumped down in front of it. She stopped thinking of ways out. Her dry mouth dangled open not because she was ignorant of it, but because she didn’t care.
She didn’t cry. She wore a duller expression than she may ever have before.
-
“I was told by the attendants that you were calmer than usual this morning, during breakfast,” Doctor Zui said. “It seems to me you were thinking long about something.”
Rainbow didn’t look at him. She didn’t look at much of anything.
The doctor said, “I have no way of know if your condition is better or worse if you don’t tell me.”
Rainbow slumped less than usual today. Her arms were crossed, but they lay limp over her breasts. She willingly hid her disfigured knuckles under them, though no one had put any restraints on her.
“I didn’t get to see them last night.”
The doctor perked up, and something turned in his smirkish figure. “You mean you didn’t dream of ponies?”
“Nothing.”
He smiled. “This is excellent news. It’s the biggest stride we’ve had yet.”
He lowered his gaze and scribbled on his sheet. “Your choice of words also suggests to me that you’ve taken a more conscious approach to your problem. I’m so glad.”
No response from Rainbow. The doctor glanced back up at her in the middle of his note taking and said, “Glad for you, I mean.”
She met eyes with him again and he seemed to beam at her, not with pride, but as if he saw his own achievement. He looked back down, muttering, “This truly is superb. I had little reason to expect hearing this today.”
Rainbow didn’t care about what he said. Her mind wandered slightly, for how little effort she could put into thinking.
If she didn’t remember her friends, she wouldn’t remember what good friends they were. That would be a good thing. Maybe they were terrible friends who made her do whatever they wanted to do. Maybe they chided her with spite.
Rainbow stopped looking past the doctor and focused on him. “Just tell me what the second step is.”
[c]
[d]
[e]
The Conclusion
To censored final part
Fourth or fifth stanzas rarely help the first three.
No, those first three went just fine.
Rainbow’s eyes looked hazy, something now commonplace. Her gaze was set on the food in front of her, the standard meal for patients in the communal dining hall.
It was flesh. Rainbow didn’t know why anyone even wanted her to eat it. It really looked like it had just come off the hide of an animal.
She took her utensils and cut off a small piece. She bit into it. Tasted like... she should be eating it. She shook her head.
“Never had steak before?” someone to her right asked. She turned and found a sloppy patient having his meal beside her.
He lifted his entire portion up and took a bite out of it. “You better get used to it. They like to feed us the undercooked stuff.”
Rainbow didn’t say anything, just as she usually opted for. The man next to her still had the food in his mouth as he spoke, and blood inside the flesh trickled down his chin.
He chewed loudly, constantly looking between his meal and Rainbow. To the latter, he said, “What’s your name?”
“Not telling,” Rainbow said. Her tone stayed flat.
“Then I’m not telling mine,” the sloppy man said. “Even though it’s great.”
Rainbow ignored him and cut off another piece of her meal. She coughed a little as she swallowed it. It caught the man’s attention again, and with a disbelieving look like he was caught off his guard, he laughed at her.
She took longer chewing the next piece, shutting out the obnoxious patient. This man wasn’t the only one. Half the rest of the hall was filled with goons stupider than him.
She ignored them all. Doctor Zui had told her she was supposed to eat here from now on, to start talking with other people like her.
To show me what everyone sees me as, she thought.
Fuck them, as well as she cared. She would still have her food in silence.
She looked around again. No one looked back at her. She sighed. It felt right now like the doctor wasn’t trying to help her.
-
Another change had been added to her schedule. She took the middle seat in a clumsy semi-circle of chairs. Other patients, none recognizable, sat around her. Whoever was seated in front of everyone, a nurse-looking person in crisp white, began talking first.
“We have someone new this session. She just became well enough to start attending our group, and she’s making progress fast.”
All the other people looked at Rainbow, but she kept her gaze to herself.
“Would you like to tell everyone your name?”
Rainbow crossed her arms, sighing. She said, “Rainbow Dash.”
The few other patients that were paying attention instantly laughed, like they had been expecting as odd an answer.
The nurse said, “I don’t think it’s healthy for you to use a nickname here. Why don’t you tell us your real name?”
“Call me whatever the fuck you want.”
Rainbow obliged them no further, and sniffed dryly. The nurse looked at her without any further expression, but didn’t press any more.
“Well, you joined us at a very good time,” she said. She glanced toward another member of the group. “We just helped Fennu resolve one of his problems in our last group, and we’re ready for a new topic of discussion.”
The patient nodded eerily at Rainbow and grinned, his teeth a light shade of yellow. He gestured his head toward what must have been Fennu’s seat, empty. Rainbow glanced between them without moving her head or mouth.
The nurse said to Rainbow, “How about you introduce yourself to everyone here, in your own words?”
Rainbow took a moment to think about what she wanted to say. She could think of only one way to sum it up that she liked. “I am fucked.”
The others visibly noticed her. “I don’t know how I got here, and I just want to get out. And I’m having trouble getting out.”
Someone picked his nose, and another shifted in his seat. Rainbow concluded, “And I don’t know what’s real.”
“Yes, the doctor said you’re having trouble with your memory,” the nurse said.
“It doesn’t feel like my memory,” Rainbow said.
The nurse raised her pen to her cheek the same way the doctor always did. She asked, “You mean your identity?”
One of the other patients spoke up, unable to look at anyone in particular while he did. “She looks like a normal identity to me.”
Rainbow unfolded her arms and moved her hands to support the back of her head. “You’re the medicine person. You figure it out.”
The nurse didn’t respond, but kept looking at Rainbow. Rainbow averted her gaze and said, “How important is it that I really go through all this?”
“Well, it’s all that stands between you and getting back out into the real world.”
“Miss lady, I’m really hungry again,” another patient said. Rainbow glanced at him, and his eyes looked dead. His mouth hung open even after he spoke.
“You should be more polite,” the nurse lady told him. “That’s not what we’re talking about right now. And that’s what your medicine’s for, you know.”
The nurse focused on Rainbow again, who was looking as far away as she could. The nurse said, “There’s no point in you being here if you don’t offer your feelings to the group.”
Rainbow seemed to ignore her, but looked closer at everyone else sitting around her. They looked back at her, and now all of them looked somehow hungry. Rainbow’s fists bundled a little. It was their eyes that gave the feeling, and their stiffly shut mouths, like they anticipated something.
Out of the corner of her eye, Rainbow saw the nurse’s expression dimming. The woman’s voice rose slightly as she said, “Then, what is it that you don’t know is real?”
Rainbow turned her head back to the nurse and leaned further into her chair. “Everything. It just doesn’t feel real to me at all.”
“Define ‘it.’”
“I’d rather one of these other jackasses ask me something now if you’re so intent on bringing everyone together,” Rainbow snapped back.
The nurse contained her temper, but the aggression on her face kept building. She said, “They don’t need to ask anything. You’re all here for each other’s support.”
Rainbow cracked a malicious grin. “Then why aren’t they supporting me?”
“You’re making this very hard on yourself if you want to leave this hospital.”
Rainbow’s grin fell. Her body stiffened further. The nurse, calm again, adjusted her glasses and placed her pen back on the chart she held. Much easier, she said, “It seems to me you equate the whole world with this hospital. That’s not true. As these fellows can tell you, the real world is quite different from life you know here.”
One of the other patients in the semi-circle said, “But it’s cleaner in here. I like how much cleaner it is in here.”
The nurse chided him again, but Rainbow didn’t pay attention.
They were all starting to talk more. The nurse had raised her voice, and provoked even stupider chatter from the other patients. Rainbow still ignored them and turned her head to the right, toward the closer wall in the room. Toward a window.
Half of the window was obscured by dirt, as if the hospital was underground. But from what Rainbow could see above the mire, there was first an iron fence. She supposed it encircled the entire hospital. Past it, there were only very small buildings: small, clay domes with doors and no windows, like huts. From behind most of them, out of view, smoke escaped upward in small patches.
She saw the people around them, too. The same kind of people as in her group, and the doctor, and her own body. They damn well resembled ponies. A slimmer, upright version without manes. That didn’t really describe them, though. They were stranger than that.
She wasn’t even sure that the word that entered her mind, what they all really looked like, was a word at all. But it fit them.
Inhuman.
Her gaze drifted upward. The clouds, from how much of them she could see through the smoke, were just about to rain.
The nurse yelled at someone to do something again. Probably to sit down. Rainbow closed her eyes and lowered her hands back to her lap, tilting her head back to help maybe shut out the others completely.
The nurse yelled again.
-
Now just a bandage remained over the doctor’s eye. The bruises Rainbow thought she remembered were gone. His eyes were darting between lines on his sheet as he jotted down something new, and Rainbow leaned back uncomfortably in what should have been a much more comfortable chair.
“A very restful night, then,” Doctor Zui said. He looked back up at her. “No more dreams of ponies?”
Rainbow considered her answer. “No.”
“That’s good. Then how about we talk about your rehabilitation?”
Rainbow scooted herself up. “Fine. What do you want to know?”
The doctor sighed barely, but Rainbow noticed. He put down his sheet next to his chair and leaned forward at her, and she suddenly wished her seat was a little farther back. He said, “I know you don’t like me, and you don’t enjoy these sessions. I’m not trying to make you enjoy them. I work with a lot of people who hate me even more than you have.”
It didn’t sound like he was scolding her; it was worse, like he was showing genuine concern.
“What I’m actually trying to do is get you out of here, so you never need this place again. When you don’t even need to see me, it will be because you can finally function on your own.”
Rainbow didn’t react. She tried not to even blink.
“The only way that will happen is if you put a little work into these sessions, too. I don’t want to ask a series of questions. I want you to discuss your days here with me.”
He stopped and silently clasped his hands. He wanted her to talk now, and she frowned. Maybe he was scolding her. It stung as much.
She took the pause after his appeal for herself. In a few seconds, she said, “I’m starting to feel like this place is more of a box than a prison.”
The doctor didn’t reach for his sheet. “How does a box feel different from a prison?”
“Like I’m exposed to everything else inside, instead of being sectioned off. Besides just meeting more people. It feels even smaller than when I just went here from my room now that I’ve seen more of it.”
“You don’t really like any of the new people you’ve met?”
“They don’t like me. They probably already chased off all their own friends. They’re actually bigger bitches than you are.”
Rainbow chuckled, but the grin that came with it faded quickly. The doctor said nothing. Rainbow said, quieter, “You’re actually the nicest person here to me.”
The words came difficultly. The doctor had raised his hands together to rest his chin on them, watching her silently. What might have been a smile was obscured.
Rainbow spoke louder, “Why don’t you analyze that? Say something.”
The doctor said, “I understand how much that upsets you. I want to let you keep talking about it, if you’d like to get more off your chest.”
Rainbow didn’t.
She said, “What will I even do out there?”
The doctor smiled, this one not as comforting as the rest. “I’m glad to see you’re finally thinking about the future.”
-
Rainbow lay awake in her bed staring at the white ceiling, the only part of her room that wasn’t padded. The bedsheets were pulled up to her chest, her arms flat over them. She wondered. Her wondering came quickly, each thought shoving its way in front of the last around her head.
The thought that maneuvered her mind best was the whole point of her day spent. What everyone had said to her. All the same things she had seen. She thought about her... achievements. If they were such.
Sure they were, like the doctor said. The sooner she took to her treatments, the sooner she’d be out on the streets living whatever a normal life was in this world. A very small world for such a big place.
Achievements; is that what Doctor Zui called them? Rainbow didn’t remember. Not remembering was becoming a little less scary for her, though. Maybe not even as big a deal. It really just didn’t matter as much as before.
But isn’t that a big deal? she thought.
Not if she didn’t care.
She didn’t care.
Her eyes started closing more often. Her eyelids weren’t heavy, just... getting harder to keep open. But she didn’t want to sleep tonight. She didn’t know what kind of sleep she’d have. She didn’t know what kind of dreams would flow through her head before emptying out in the morning and she’d have to concentrate on her mental state again.
Concentrating. That’s what they were really having her do. She was thinking a lot more philosophically than she was used to.
Maybe she did just need some sleep. She’d sleep for now. Just a little, before morning came.
-
Her eyes stay shut a long time, but through her eyelids she could feel the bright sun shining again, its light more fresh than warm. It felt like it was coming from overhead, not through a window. Then there was a small breeze, like it could hear her thoughts on the matter.
Dash opened her eyes and the light greeted them. She lay pleasantly in a lawn chair, underneath and to the right of her cloud house.
She rubbed a hoof down her face like she could wake it up further, and stretched long and hard. She looked around: the field under her home bounded farther when seeing it from the ground. There in the middle, it was just her, a couple of lawn chairs, and Rarity in the other one with a magazine.
Dash looked at Rarity silently, still sleepy. Rarity, half of her face shaded by some kind of fashion-ized garden hat, noticed Dash at the same time and smiled at her. “Oh, Rainbow Dash, it’s so good to see you’re up again.”
“Rarity, what am I doing all the way out here?”
“Well, after the others tucked you into bed, I told them that keeping you cooped up there all day would be simply a-tro-cious for your skin.”
Dash glanced down her shoulder, her hair spilling over in a straighter and neater fashion than it had ever been in. Rarity added, “And your mane.”
Dash poked and tugged at her unbecoming hair and looked back at Rarity. “Yeah, I can tell...”
Rarity didn’t say anything further, and flipped a page in her magazine. Dash let her hair go and looked back up at the sky; it looked realer than just bright and warm. Very blue. A stronger breeze came, and Dash could almost feel it cutting through the grass before meeting her.
“So, how long have I been out?”
Rarity said, “Since your little episode at Fluttershy’s, it’s been almost two days.”
Dash’s eyebrows popped up. “Uh, wow. I hope the party still turned out all right.”
“Rainbow, dear, we haven’t held the party yet. At first, Twilight and I thought we should go ahead with it so that the day would still be properly celebrated for you, but Applejack convinced us it wouldn’t mean as much without you in the middle of it.”
Rarity’s face drew up slightly before adding anything further. “They’re all very sorry for the way they acted, you know. I don’t think they’ll really forgive themselves until you’re up and about again.”
Dash stretched her wings and began getting up, despite some stiffness still in her joints. “Well, they can forgive themselves now. Two days is a long nap.”
Rarity raised a hoof in protest and said, “Don’t, just yet.”
Before Dash’s hooves touched the ground, she found Twilight cuddled up in the grass next to her, breathing in quiet, peaceful snores. Dash held herself from getting up.
“She’s been by your side most of the time,” Rarity said. “She got so tired, I insisted I’d come and help to keep an eye on you. You were tossing and turning the whole time you were out.”
Dash pulled back into the chair and leaned against the plush fabric again. “I feel like I missed a lot, though. Did anything exciting happen while I was asleep?”
“Nothing, really. Pinkie Pie mentioned something about putting the party decorations into temporary stasis, and you won’t be-lieve the pastry Applejack is helping her make as a kind of apology--”
Rarity covered her mouth with one hoof, and said, “I shouldn’t have mentioned that. Would you pretend I didn’t?”
Dash chuckled and crossed her hooves behind her head, saying, “Hey, no problem.”
She yawned. Rarity raised her magazine again, smiling. She said, “Now that you’re better, you need some good beauty sleep. The party can just wait until you’re ready for it. After all, the guest of honor needs to look her best.”
Dash didn’t reply. As she closed her eyes, the sunlight began to feel even warmer. She heard Rarity starting to hum softly, though the tune was from another season altogether.
“Rarity, you’re so silly,” Dash muttered.
-
Rainbow’s memory was worse again. She didn’t remember exactly how she had made it here. She had been able to picture her time spent in a linear frame for the past few days, but she sat in a cold, wooden chair now, elbows on her knees as she leaned forward, empty hands dangling ahead, with a mental state to match her posture.
She knew she had been sitting there in the common room for a while. She might have been there for hours. She hadn’t paid attention to any outer indication of time, and there were no clocks in the room anyway.
She had these feelings before, when she just wanted to sit down and ignore the world completely. She wasn’t ignoring it now, though. If there was anywhere she’d want to be in this world, it was those skyscrapers. The closest things to the sky, even though the higher you got, the colder it was. But comfort didn’t matter when they--
Rainbow subconsciously titled her head to the side. Those skyscrapers were the farthest thing from anyone, anywhere.
She felt something bump her knee and looked for a moment, but no one was there. No one was nearby. Her gaze lingered, but she kept thinking.
Maybe this whole place was designed for her to think. Whether she was another fucking crazy or she was actually fucked up enough to build it all in her mind, even when she wanted to make a neat little map in her head, she couldn’t do it. Every room was separate from the others in a nonphysical way, just to keep her focused on something, even if it was inconsequential.
Maybe she really just didn’t care.
But she did care.
As angry as she could get when she remembered an event, or someone in particular, she cared. Even if she wanted them dead or scarred, she wanted them to affect her.
She was right, earlier: she didn’t usually think this philosophically. Not as a pony, she figured. There was never any cause to. Why was she going to all this trouble to put her entire world into terms of right, wrong, existent, and fake in her own time if she had actually been born in this form?
It would make sense if this were her tortured psyche. The agony, pain, and confusion. It would explain damn well everything, even the annoying contradictions everyone kept telling her.
But she didn’t believe that. Not in that way.
A nurse came up to her. Probably a nurse; one of the professional ladies, dressed in crisp white with a tucked hat. Rainbow, glancing up at her wordlessly, supposed she was here at the opportune time to pull her away from deep thought into another session. It was one of the most coherent thoughts she’d had recently.
“It’s time for your regular session. Come with me.”
Rainbow got up, pushing down against her knees. She didn’t remember exactly where she went from there.
-
But here she was again. She knew it’d happen, but that realization was already wandering to the back of her mind as more important thoughts took over.
Doctor Zui sat across from her, the sheet back in his hand. His other hand lay drawn over the arm of the chair, looking almost statesman-like in stature.
Victorious in stature.
Rainbow sat with her arms on the arms of the chair, her legs to the base of it, and her posture straight. She looked across at the doctor plainly.
“Hello, again,” the doctor said. His smile remained from always.
“What are we going to talk about this time?” Rainbow asked.
“Mostly updates, unless you’d like to bring up something new,” the doctor said. “But I admit, I do like to have pleasantries first. How was your night?”
“It was fine,” Rainbow said. “I did dream of ponies.”
The doctor’s smile changed. He said nothing. As the quiet drew in, Rainbow couldn’t even hear the fountain outside the room.
She moved her hands to her knees. “It wasn’t as much of a relief as I thought it’d be. Actually, it was a lot calmer than all my other dreams. It didn’t seem nearly as real, either.”
“It relaxed you, I presume,” the doctor said as he took forward his sheet. His tone was sharper, and his whole manner rushed. “That’s regular in cases like yours. After adapting to this environment again, your normal one, your subconscious mind is making a more desperate attempt to bring itself forth. The dream was more like fantasy than usual, wasn’t it?”
“It kind of was,” Rainbow said. “I didn’t even have to do anything in it, or really talk to anyone.”
“I’m glad to hear that you still recognize it for what it is, Regenbogen. When you’re most loathe to finally let go of something you’ve held onto for as long as this, your subconscious puts up the very last resistance it can. The most comfortable images it knows, no matter how far-fetched they are.”
As Rainbow paid attention to only half his speech, she noticed one of the scars still at the top of his face starting to bleed, no cause seen for it to start. The bandage had already been removed from over it, and just before it had looked fully recovered.
She looked back to him and asked, “What are those names, anyway?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Regen-something. I don’t remember you calling me Regen-something before.”
“It’s your name, like I’ve always called you. Forgetting or blocking it is one of the most normal symptoms of cases like yours.”
Rainbow tightened her expression and decided on an offensive. “Why is it so fucking important I do everything right around here, too? You know, why is it that I can’t do anything at all that’s not normal?”
The doctor looked angry very suddenly. He wasn’t holding his pen in a position to write with it anymore.
He said, “You weren’t functioning properly. This therapy is to help you adapt better to the life you have to deal with.”
“Functioning properly where? What the fuck was I doing?”
“I haven’t told you because bringing it back to your memory would be harmful. After all the help I’ve offered to make you a better person, you should trust me on this.”
“I should get to decide that!”
“You’re getting angry again!” the doctor said. “We can’t have a civil discussion on this if you’re going to keep insisting you’re a damn pony.”
“I’m calm,” Rainbow retorted. She kept herself settled in her seat. Judging by the doctor’s face, she thought he was struggling even more to keep so still.
She really did calm down. Though he hadn’t, he continued, “Obviously, these are still just dreams you’re experiencing. Let’s go on from that. What was the most fantastical part of this latest dream?”
“You know,” Rainbow said, “it doesn’t even matter.”
The doctor clutched his forehead barely, like he was trying to just support it. His jaw twitched. “Of course it matters. Why do you even think that?”
“I really, really thought about it. It doesn’t matter if you’re right or not. I’m not going to like this place because you say I should.”
The doctor’s grip on his head tightened, and he said nothing.
“When I’m here, ponies really don’t seem as real. But if I have to choose one reality to believe in, even if I’m stuck in both, I’m picking the one with people who give a serious rat’s ass about me as a friend, not a fucking patient.”
The doctor slowly lowered his hand. He stared straight into Rainbow’s eyes, and she didn’t look away. He put visible effort into keeping his voice at as few decibels as possible.
“After everything I’ve already told you. Every session I’ve put my own time into, just to help you. You ignore me, ignore all of the professionals here, and put your own fantasy ahead of all the improvements we’ve made together. Fucking ponies. You are psychotic.”
Rainbow waited for him to finish before she spoke again. “It was my birthday two days ago.”
She managed to smile again, not forcing herself to, but glad to wear one again. “I’m going to celebrate it when I go back to bed tonight.”
She couldn’t tell how angry Doctor Zui was anymore. There was something about his face that read both fury and careful study. He moved his pen back over to his sheet, shifting in his seat.
“You are not a pony.”
Rainbow’s smile remained.
“You are not a pegasus.”
The doctor, crossing one leg over another, said his next words more carefully than the last.
“Look at me. Look at what I am.”
Rainbow didn’t. She had already studied it before, and as for it could mean, she didn’t know. It was just another weird part of this world.
An upright version of a pony. There was hair, but no mane; a pronounced chin; ears on the sides of his head, not the top; long, skinny arms with tiny hair on parts of them; and at the top of his head, right through the hair, there were horns.
At the end of his long, furred legs, a pair of cloven hooves.
That was Rainbow’s same image. No, she wasn’t a pony here. But that night, she thought, she would go to bed and escape this dream beautifully. If she didn’t, she’d wait until the next night and have have an even better time.
Doctor Zui settled back into his seat for another long session. Rainbow leaned back, crossing her arms more comfortably. The doctor began again the duo’s process. “You are not a pony.”
Rainbow closed her eyes.
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